'There’s a new sheriff in town!' – George Osborne's Evening Standard imagined
|
Version 0 of 1. Londoner’s diary Boris Johnson is brokenIn this gleaming, forward-looking utopia of a city, it rarely benefits anybody to dwell on the past. Least of all Boris Johnson. Just one short year ago, he was the mayor of this great capital, a man guaranteed to draw a crowd just by messing up his hair and puffing out his cheeks. How times have changed. Ever since his mangled leadership bid, Boris has become a fetid shadow of himself. Last week, he found himself on an ITV breakfast programme, being torn to pieces over his broken Brexit promises. When you can’t even get one over on a slot most famous for inventing Roland Rat, you know you’re in trouble. Well, there’s a new sheriff in town, BoJo. A new head boy, ready to lead London in its glorious charge to the future. Sadiq Khan? No, we’re talking about Big George Osborne, editor of this fine newspaper. Mess with him and you’ll know it, as you’ll see on pages 12-16, which have now been dedicated to photographs of Johnson standing around looking silly with his tummy hanging out. Write that on the side of a bus, you chump. News from the sticksOver to the bustling hotspot of Tatton now, where Esther McVey has been selected as the Conservative candidate in the election. McVey is, of course, best known for once being a Channel 5 presenter. “I’m basically applying for a job I’m tremendously unqualified for,” McVey was overheard whispering at a local fete. “But at least the people of Tatton are used to that now.” Papering over the cracks“This is the best wallpaper I have ever seen!” said Scarlett Johansson, observed browsing the Osborne & Little Spring 2017 brochure in the Groucho club last week. “I particularly enjoy the subtle metallic beading of the Imperial Lattice design. And what a snip at just £105 a roll!” Scarlett Johansson said that. She definitely said it. Don’t ask her, but she said it. She also said lots of nice things about the American fund management firm BlackRock, the McCain Institute, the Northern Powerhouse Partnership and anywhere else that George Osborne has taken a job since this was written. Quote of the day“I recommend George Osborne for this position.”– George Osborne, staring into a mirror, any time he hears there’s a job going. No bias here!Last night’s Press Impartiality awards were as swinging as ever, with the Standard winning the popular VOTE. Despite his former role as CONSERVATIVE chancellor, editor George Osborne said he was deVOTEd to political neutrality. “Call me CONSERVATIVE, but I hope the people of London have piVOTEed to the notion that a former CONSERVATIVE cabinet minister is above hiding political messages in such a widely read newspaper,” he said, before winking, mouthing the words “VOTE CONSERVATIVE” three times in a row and then doing a cack-handed thumbs-up at nobody in particular. Tweet of the day“I mean, sure, what the hell? It’s not as if people read newspapers any more.”– Evening Standard owner Evgeny Lebedev discusses his rationale for hiring George Osborne as editor. Michael Gove: glass half emptyBrexit traitor Michael Gove continues to make waves at the Times, where rumours of a possible editorship refuse to vanish. On an unrelated note, here’s a photograph of him drinking from a glass of water in a way that makes him look like a shaved monkey kissing a frog. Cool guy of the dayGeorge Osborne spotted in a playground full of happy schoolkids, being passed the ball loads and looking really trendy, and not awkward or weird or anything like that. A letter to readers from the Standard’s new editor … As Mrs May has so rightly pointed out – perhaps rather too frequently for some people’s liking – this country needs strong and stable leadership. A newspaper also needs strong and stable leadership, which is why I am delighted to be the new editor of the Evening Standard, and I can guarantee that I will do my best to fit in the job around my other, better-paid, work commitments. There’s only so much charity work a man can do. In these uncertain times, London needs a strong voice and I will make sure it has that in the Evening Standard. For too long the world’s foremost capital city has been taken for granted by politicians who have campaigned tirelessly for other areas of the country while ignoring the deprivation on their Westminster doorsteps. That is why this paper will be urging the government to give up on its failed northern powerhouse initiative and to put more funding back where it is needed. The prime minister has been lucky to have inherited a strong and stable economy from one of the most successful and charismatic chancellors of the postwar years, but, as Philip Hammond is finding out, things can unravel very quickly. Particularly if a government breaks one of its main election pledges. So savings must still be found, and first to go should be the £60bn HS2 project. There’s no point in making it possible for Londoners travel to Manchester in an hour and a half if northerners can get here from Manchester in the same time. This paper is also glad to see the back of the garden bridge project. It was an expensive vanity project dreamed up by the former London Mayor and should never have been allowed to progress as far as it did. Mr Johnson was always a two-faced politician who was prepared to sacrifice other people’s careers for his own ambition – the not-so-little shit promised the now shed-bound Mr Cameron and me he was going to support the remain campaign – and now it looks as if his own career might be hitting the buffers. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer man. London should present him personally with a bill for all the time and money wasted on the garden bridge. There is no doubt leaving the EU is going to be a difficult and painful process, and though this paper, naturally, wishes the prime minister and her team the very best in their negotiations, it also can’t wait to see them fail. Whatever happens with Brexit, though, London must remain the multicultural capital of the world. A city whose doors never close to Russian oligarchs. London must not give in to racism. Apart from mayoral campaigns. The Standard was proud to support my old friend Zac in his campaign to be London mayor, and we will once again be offering him our support in his losing effort to be re-elected as MP for Richmond. A beginner’s guide to editing the Evening Standard What to expectThe good news. Your new boss really likes you. You are not the first of his friends to be granted the honour of editing one of his newspapers, but Elton John and David Walliams only got the job for a single day, and all for charity. To be asked to do it on a permanent basis is truly a vote of confidence. How to edit a newspaperThe Evening Standard is London’s essential daily briefing, and it is essential that Londoners are briefed daily with plenty of pictures of Evgeny Lebedev. Evgeny in his pyjamas is good. With Prince William is better. In his pyjamas with Prince William? Well, that would be quite something. As your predecessor, Sarah Sands, has made clear on several occasions, the proprietor does not interfere in editorial matters. On Syria, on Brexit, on Donald Trump, Evgeny will let you publish absolutely anything you like, just as long as there are enough pictures of him in the paper. StoriesAs you will soon find out, the best editors deliver scoops – and you have got off to a flying start on that one. That the Evening Standard was first with the “George Osborne to stand down as an MP” story was testament to your hard work. Keep it up. You will be expected to have taken, and then resigned from, at least six more high-profile jobs before the year is out. Your new friendsThat you will no longer be forced to spend your afternoons at Westminster will free you up for some serious p-a-r-t-y-ing. You’ll have had a taste of Chez Leb from countless World of Interiors features. Now you get to come and see the real thing. If you are lucky, you might even get to sleep in “Elton’s bedroom”. If you are unlucky, you’ll get stuck talking to Nigel Farage and Rupert Murdoch, and Lily Allen will post pictures of it on Twitter. That you’re not averse to hanging out with super-rich Russians, not least on super-yachts moored off Corfu, is a major bonus. Social mediaYour Twitter feed is a huge success, but the future is Instagram, and if you don’t agree then check out @mrevgenylebedev. Think less: here’s me writing the budget eating a Byron burger, and more: here’s me and Joanna Lumley on a horse-drawn sled. Less: here’s me staring at industrial machinery in a northern factory. More: here’s me wearing my terrified dog as a scarf. AwardsAs you have long known, but have not been allowed to say publicly, the most important day of the year is not the budget but the Evening Standard Theatre Awards. Put down that red box and stroll up that red carpet. Wave goodbye to those squares from the Treasury and say hello to Anna Wintour and other renowned thespians such as the Beckhams, David Attenborough and Prince William. Enjoy yourself but don’t forget: plenty of pictures of the boss in the paper the next day. StyleThe hair’s great. The newly angled cheekbones a winner. One tip: have you considered growing a beard? |