Mouse’s Back: the affluent hue of David Cameron’s luxury shed
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Version 0 of 1. Name: Mouse’s Back. Sorry, what? It’s a paint. “This grey-brown classic takes its characterful name from the fawny colour of the British field mouse,” according to the manufacturer, Farrow & Ball. Appearance: “Quiet in nature and feels soft in rooms both large and small. It will read greener when used on the walls of underlit rooms and is the perfect accent on furniture or floors when combined with more traditional shades.” Location: Modern country kitchens, classy interiors, one of David Cameron’s back gardens. Cameron has painted one of his back gardens? Were the trees the wrong colour? Not quite. He has bought a shed to go in one of his back gardens, complete with double bed, wood-burning stove and annoying pretend-old metal wheels. It cost £25,000. Or £2.50 in millionaire aristocrat money. Give or take. Anyway, Samantha Cameron decided to have the exterior painted in Mouse’s Back, while the inside is Old White and Clunch. “As ever she has made a very good choice,” said our former PM. What the flipping crikey is “Clunch”? It’s another Farrow & Ball paint colour, this time named after “the chalk stone used in the off-white building blocks of many East Anglian buildings”. Oh. That. I take it you’re not familiar with the work of Farrow & Ball? Let’s pretend I’m not. It’s a revered 71-year-old Dorset paint company. Its tins are to Britain’s affluent middle class what Cristal is to rappers. It is also famous for its tastefully impenetrable shade names. Such as? Where do I start? There’s Mizzle, Dimpse, Brinjal, Peignoir, Dead Salmon, Nancy’s Blushes, Pale Hound, Blazer, Churlish Green, Vardo, Plummett … And don’t forget the all-conquering Elephant’s Breath, which is basically the 21st century’s magnolia. How can you call a colour Blazer? What colour blazer is it? It’s best not to invest too much of yourself in these things. Let’s just say that the Camerons liked the casual elegance of Mouse’s Back for their shed. Are there not shades called Bullingdon Prat or Vandalism? I don’t believe so. What does Cameron plan to do in the shed anyway? I have some suggestions. I bet you do, but he just plans to write his memoirs, apparently. Ah. Does Farrow & Ball do a shade called The Greatest Blunder of Any Postwar British Prime Minister? Now you’re being silly. Do paint: Abandoned Wreckage. Don’t paint: Overconfidence. |