Parks and defecation: am I the only one poo-poohing this dog mess ‘strategy’?

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/mar/16/parks-poo-dog-mess-tory-mp-anne-main

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I confess that I hadn’t heard of Anne Main, the Tory MP for St Albans, until today, but I feel like I know her now. I have just watched a video of her four times in a row talking about dog faeces, so now I feel like I’ll have a hard time forgetting her.

Main took her moment in Tuesday’s Westminster debate about the issue of dog faeces masterfully, calling the practice of hanging little blue plastic bags of dog poo on branches “disgusting”, and suggesting that we should perhaps do what the Forestry Commission suggests, and get a stick and “flick” dog faeces into the undergrowth.

What is needed, Main argued, is a Pragmatic Poo Strategy that understands and acknowledges that a small minority of people like to express their “human nature” by granny-knotting a blue bag of shit and hanging it in a tree for everyone else to walk past. And so, perhaps, the blue bags may be a thing of the past. We may find ourselves back in the age of white, hairy dog-dirt, which may or may not be a bad thing.

So what, exactly, might a Pragmatic Poo Strategy actually look like? Will Main, in this exalted position as faecal tsar, consult us, the public? If so, here are some strategic suggestions, for her to … pick through.

First, the transition. The most important thing to consider in the Pragmatic Poo Strategy will be the transition from blue bags to “stick-empowerment” in some places. This will require careful consideration and mustn’t be rushed.

Naturally, the government and financially stretched local councils will be very keen to see those dirty green bins removed as soon as possible, being such an eyesore and a stink and an unnecessary cost to empty each week. But they mustn’t end poo-bin collections too quickly. There will need to be a public-service announcement, perhaps calling in someone like Michael Gove to pose for a photoshoot with a shit-covered stick in his right hand. That will do nicely. The public will need to be informed, after all.

To work on a local level, the Pragmatic Poo Strategy will, according to Main, depend on signage. Signage won’t pay for itself, of course, but this is OK because increased car park fees at parks and nature reserves can surely cover the cost. Sure, this additional fee will price some people out of their local green spaces, but does that really matter? Cars bring with them rubbish, after all. And dogs. And dogs bring faeces, remember? And so, on to the next strategic suggestion.

If it is deemed that the blue bags have to go, the Pragmatic Poo Strategy will need to tackle the stink (and potential disease) with all that extra dog doo-doo lying around. According to Keep Britain Tidy, there are 8 million dogs in the UK and, together, they produce more than 1,000 tonnes of “mess” every single day. Is Main, and the government she represents, sure there is enough undergrowth? Sure, St Albans has its fair share of leafy retreats, but Hackney and Haringey? Also, are there enough sticks lying around that offer suitable rigidity for the purpose of flicking? These are important questions.

In urban centres, the sharing of designated “poo-sticks” may have to be considered in the strategy; they can be left in handy places like next to children’s play areas or stored within the disused doggie bins that local councils cannot afford to remove.

There are other benefits to getting rid of the blue bags. Poo bins are a fire hazard, after all. They attract flies. They’re dirty. Sticks are much better. And cheaper. And, well, they grow on trees. Plus poo helps things grow, remember? The 365,000 tonnes of dog dirt lining our parks each year would actually provide compost to the growing of new sticks. It’s the circle of life. The Pragmatic Poo Strategy is starting to have rather a nice ring to it.

There will be naysayers to the Pragmatic Poo Strategy, of course. Urban “blue-bag elitists” will inevitably question whether this was about further cost-saving cuts to important local services. Others might question whether the de-regulation of our clean green spaces is a tragedy of the commons situation, where there is a race to the bottom for an environment no one in Whitehall seems much to care about and barely even seems to mention anymore. Don’t listen to these people, Main. Consider their opinions, of course, but bag them up. Put them somewhere else. Hang them off a tree, if you need.

Let the people decide what to do with their dog crap. Empower dog owners to sort their own problems out. It’s not a government problem. It’s our problem. That’s the free market approach. The environment can look after itself. It belongs to all us all so we will all look after it. We always have done, right?

And so, on reflection, I’m broadly supportive of the Pragmatic Poo Strategy and I wish Main the best with it. Another white strategy paper, but this one 500 (two-ply) sheets long. I will gladly sign, if needed. And don’t worry, I won’t need a pen.