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The Undertaker's budget brings death, taxes then a crazy kamikaze attack The Undertaker's budget brings death, taxes then a crazy kamikaze attack
(about 3 hours later)
He’d come to praise the economy. But while he was there he might as well also bury it. They didn’t call him Phil “The Undertaker” Hammond for nothing. This was to be the Undertaker’s last spring budget. Just as well, as he didn’t really have anything much to say. Not that it would stop him from taking his time in not saying it. Seldom has a chancellor been on his feet for so long and said so little.He’d come to praise the economy. But while he was there he might as well also bury it. They didn’t call him Phil “The Undertaker” Hammond for nothing. This was to be the Undertaker’s last spring budget. Just as well, as he didn’t really have anything much to say. Not that it would stop him from taking his time in not saying it. Seldom has a chancellor been on his feet for so long and said so little.
With prime minister’s questions over, the Undertaker lurched towards the dispatch box. “The economy has shown robust growth, the deficit is down and the labour market is strong,” he said. At this point, he paused and scratched his head. If everything was going so well, why the hell was the country leaving the EU? Best not to ask that sort of question. Way too far above his pay grade. If the country wanted to bury itself, the least he could do was give it a proper send-off.With prime minister’s questions over, the Undertaker lurched towards the dispatch box. “The economy has shown robust growth, the deficit is down and the labour market is strong,” he said. At this point, he paused and scratched his head. If everything was going so well, why the hell was the country leaving the EU? Best not to ask that sort of question. Way too far above his pay grade. If the country wanted to bury itself, the least he could do was give it a proper send-off.
“We can’t rest on our past achievements,” the Undertaker went on. No one could argue with that, as there hadn’t been many to rest on. The growth forecasts might have been better than last autumn but they were still well down on this time the previous year. Ten minutes in and with nothing of any interest said, a few heads started to go down on the Tory benches.“We can’t rest on our past achievements,” the Undertaker went on. No one could argue with that, as there hadn’t been many to rest on. The growth forecasts might have been better than last autumn but they were still well down on this time the previous year. Ten minutes in and with nothing of any interest said, a few heads started to go down on the Tory benches.
Time for a gag. The bereaved always appreciated a little humour. Nothing too funny, mind. No danger of that. “The last Labour government,” he said. “They don’t call it the last Labour government for nothing,” he explained. Theresa May squeezed out a forced laugh. The Undertaker beamed with pleasure. He hadn’t had that good a reaction since his double cremation gag in Croydon back in 1998.Time for a gag. The bereaved always appreciated a little humour. Nothing too funny, mind. No danger of that. “The last Labour government,” he said. “They don’t call it the last Labour government for nothing,” he explained. Theresa May squeezed out a forced laugh. The Undertaker beamed with pleasure. He hadn’t had that good a reaction since his double cremation gag in Croydon back in 1998.
The Undertaker droned on. And on. He liked the sound of his own voice even if no one else did. A funeral address had never been so funereal. Never before had the rich paid so much in tax. The Tory backbenchers didn’t look entirely pleased by that, but the Undertaker was quick to reassure them. Think about it this way: the rich had been earning more and more while everyone else was going broke. A celebration of inequality.The Undertaker droned on. And on. He liked the sound of his own voice even if no one else did. A funeral address had never been so funereal. Never before had the rich paid so much in tax. The Tory backbenchers didn’t look entirely pleased by that, but the Undertaker was quick to reassure them. Think about it this way: the rich had been earning more and more while everyone else was going broke. A celebration of inequality.
Social care. He supposed he had better say something even though there wasn’t much to say. Who cared if a few old people croaked? More work for funeral directors. Every cloud and all that ... Sure he’d bung them an extra £2bn. But only over three years. It wasn’t nearly enough but the opposition was too feeble to do anything about it. Besides, it would serve the country right. A hard Brexit was a gonna fall and the body count would rise.Social care. He supposed he had better say something even though there wasn’t much to say. Who cared if a few old people croaked? More work for funeral directors. Every cloud and all that ... Sure he’d bung them an extra £2bn. But only over three years. It wasn’t nearly enough but the opposition was too feeble to do anything about it. Besides, it would serve the country right. A hard Brexit was a gonna fall and the body count would rise.
But the Undertaker was damned if he was going to pay for other people’s funeral costs. The self-employed could pay for the social care bill. It’s about time those freeloaders paid their fair share of national insurance contributions. Theresa urgently tapped him on the shoulder. “Psst,” she said. “We promised not to increase NICs at the last election.” The Undertaker picked up a copy of the manifesto and crossed out the relevant section. Sorted.But the Undertaker was damned if he was going to pay for other people’s funeral costs. The self-employed could pay for the social care bill. It’s about time those freeloaders paid their fair share of national insurance contributions. Theresa urgently tapped him on the shoulder. “Psst,” she said. “We promised not to increase NICs at the last election.” The Undertaker picked up a copy of the manifesto and crossed out the relevant section. Sorted.
And that was it. Everything was pretty much as expected. Wage increases were offset by cuts to in-work benefits and rising inflation. The continual beep of the cardiograph was music to his ears. The country was flatlining. As was the Commons after 50 minutes of nothingness. One last gag and he was done. One day we might have driverless cars, he observed. “And the party opposite knows all about being driverless.” Some MPs nearly laughed. It was a toss-up whether they would rather be in a car with no driver or a hearse being driven by a dozy funeral director. And that was it. Everything was pretty much as expected. Wage increases were offset by cuts to in-work benefits and rising inflation. The continuous beep of the cardiograph was music to his ears. The country was flatlining. As was the Commons after 50 minutes of nothingness. One last gag and he was done. One day we might have driverless cars, he observed. “And the party opposite knows all about being driverless.” Some MPs nearly laughed. It was a toss-up whether they would rather be in a car with no driver or a hearse being driven by a dozy funeral director.
Responding to a budget is one of the toughest gigs of the parliamentary year and most opposition leaders hastily scribble a few notes while the chancellor is on his feet. Jeremy Corbyn made none. He had his speech already written and he was determined to stick to the script. Only it was more of a rant than a speech.Responding to a budget is one of the toughest gigs of the parliamentary year and most opposition leaders hastily scribble a few notes while the chancellor is on his feet. Jeremy Corbyn made none. He had his speech already written and he was determined to stick to the script. Only it was more of a rant than a speech.
“This was a budget of utter complacency,” he shouted, his voicing ramping up to volume 11, “utter complacency about the crisis facing our public services ... ” The louder he shouted about the evils of the Tories without bothering to address a single issue raised by the chancellor, the less anyone was inclined to listen.“This was a budget of utter complacency,” he shouted, his voicing ramping up to volume 11, “utter complacency about the crisis facing our public services ... ” The louder he shouted about the evils of the Tories without bothering to address a single issue raised by the chancellor, the less anyone was inclined to listen.
Corbyn didn’t even appear to have clocked that the chancellor had broken an election pledge. Rather, it was a deranged kamikaze attack in which the Labour leader was the only fatality. Still, it was an achievement of sorts. It’s not every day that someone manages to empty the chamber faster than the Undertaker.Corbyn didn’t even appear to have clocked that the chancellor had broken an election pledge. Rather, it was a deranged kamikaze attack in which the Labour leader was the only fatality. Still, it was an achievement of sorts. It’s not every day that someone manages to empty the chamber faster than the Undertaker.