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| Here are the jokes in Chancellor Philip Hammond's budget speech | Here are the jokes in Chancellor Philip Hammond's budget speech |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| Philip Hammond has a reputation for being a bit grey, but his budget was stuffed full of gags. For better or for worse, here are six of the most notable. | Philip Hammond has a reputation for being a bit grey, but his budget was stuffed full of gags. For better or for worse, here are six of the most notable. |
| “The Treasury has helpfully reminded me that I am not the last Chancellor to announce the last spring Budget. 20 years ago Norman Lamont also presented what was billed then as the last spring budget … what they failed to remind me was that ten weeks later he was sacked. So wish me luck today.” | “The Treasury has helpfully reminded me that I am not the last Chancellor to announce the last spring Budget. 20 years ago Norman Lamont also presented what was billed then as the last spring budget … what they failed to remind me was that ten weeks later he was sacked. So wish me luck today.” |
| Indy rating: 2 stars out of 5, pleasantly self-effacing but quite laboriously delivered | Indy rating: 2 stars out of 5, pleasantly self-effacing but quite laboriously delivered |
| “I’m pleased to report on International Women’s Day that there is now a higher proportion of women in the workforce than ever before, and I’m even more pleased to report that since February 23rd [date of the Copeland by-election] there’s a higher proportion of women in work in the parliamentary Conservative party.” | |
| Indy rating: 1 star out of 5, self-congratulatory pomp worthy of a planted backbench PMQs question | Indy rating: 1 star out of 5, self-congratulatory pomp worthy of a planted backbench PMQs question |
| “This is the spreadsheet bit … bear with me, I have a reputation to defend.” | “This is the spreadsheet bit … bear with me, I have a reputation to defend.” |
| Indy rating: 3 stars out of 5, both self-effacing and self-aware, which we like | Indy rating: 3 stars out of 5, both self-effacing and self-aware, which we like |
| “Under the last Labour Government corporation tax was 28 per cent – and by the way, they don’t call it ‘the last Labour government’ for nothing!” | “Under the last Labour Government corporation tax was 28 per cent – and by the way, they don’t call it ‘the last Labour government’ for nothing!” |
| Indy rating: 4 stars out of 5, this one seems so obvious when you've told it, the hallmark of a decent gag | Indy rating: 4 stars out of 5, this one seems so obvious when you've told it, the hallmark of a decent gag |
| “[The Budget contains] £270 million to keep the UK at the forefront of disruptive technologies like biotech, robotics, and driverless systems – a technology I believe the party opposite knows something about.” | “[The Budget contains] £270 million to keep the UK at the forefront of disruptive technologies like biotech, robotics, and driverless systems – a technology I believe the party opposite knows something about.” |
| Indy rating: 3 stars out of 5, Corbyn jokes have been done to death but this was delivered well | Indy rating: 3 stars out of 5, Corbyn jokes have been done to death but this was delivered well |
| “A well functioning market economy is the best way to deliver prosperity and security to working families and the litany of failed attempts at state control by labour leave no one in any doubt about that – except, apparently, the right honourable gentleman opposite, who is no so far down a black hole that even Stephen Hawking has disowned him.” | “A well functioning market economy is the best way to deliver prosperity and security to working families and the litany of failed attempts at state control by labour leave no one in any doubt about that – except, apparently, the right honourable gentleman opposite, who is no so far down a black hole that even Stephen Hawking has disowned him.” |
| Indy rating: 1 star out of 5, the punchline is just mentioning the news and it doesn't even make sense | Indy rating: 1 star out of 5, the punchline is just mentioning the news and it doesn't even make sense |