Michael Heseltine: this isn’t the last we’ll hear of the Tory Aslan
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Version 0 of 1. Age: 83. Appearance: Aslan. Specifically Aslan from that bit of the book with the stone table. Christ! Has he been killed by a witch? No. But Theresa May has just sacked him from five different government jobs. Is that the same thing? Not really. Anyway, Heseltine has been sacked because he has been singled out as the ringleader of a dastardly anti-Brexit rebellion in the House of Lords. A bit like how Aslan sacrificed himself for the people, if you think about it. I don’t think this analogy is lining up. It is. Like Aslan, Heseltine is down but not out. He has vowed to keep fighting the good fight against Brexit even though he is no longer wanted as a government adviser. Has he? “I believe the referendum result is the most disastrous peacetime result we have seen in this country,” he said. “I know these Brexiteers backwards … They never give up. Why shouldn’t people like me argue in the other camp?” But he lost! He should get over it! Why? Thanks to him and fellow Lords, there are now two important amendments to the Brexit bill. First, parliament will get to approve the result of Brexit negotiations before May can conclude a deal. Second, the rights of EU citizens have been guaranteed. Those actually sound like pretty good amendments. Don’t get used to them. May has vowed to have them overturned in the House of Commons. That’ll teach Heseltine for meddling. Are you kidding? You mess with Michael Heseltine at your absolute peril. After all, don’t forget that he was the key architect of Margaret Thatcher’s downfall. So he is going to force Theresa May to resign? Also don’t forget that he once strangled his own mother’s alsatian for misbehaving. He admitted it and everything. No he didn’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure he denied it. Listen, all I’m saying is that if you’re in a fight, you probably want the man who has to literally deny being a dog strangler in your corner. So this isn’t the last we’ve heard of Heseltine? Exactly. Just like our old friend Aslan. I wish you’d shut up about bloody Aslan. You would say that, though, wouldn’t you, Edmund? Do say: “Michael Heseltine: people’s champion.” Don’t say: “Hang on, didn’t he also just say that May has a ‘man-sized job’? On International Women’s Day? What a monster!” |