Bowling Green massacre? Kellyanne Conway has taken alt facts up a notch
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Version 0 of 1. Dead-eyed and compelled to swim forward, Kellyanne Conway has propelled swiftly from alternative facts to alternative what-the-facts. Way back in the mid-cretaceous period of the Donald Trump presidency – around 12 days ago – it was presidential counsellor Kellyanne who chose to debut “alternative facts”, the phrase that would come to serve as shorthand for the new White House’s modus operandi. Or perhaps as mediumhand, given that “lie” would have been even shorter. If they’d lie about crowd sizes at President Trump’s inauguration, wondered some people, what else would they lie about? Literally anything, seemed a reasonable guess – from shootings in Chicago to massive voter fraud to the Holocaust. Lies were pretty much the only area in which the new administration was non-discriminatory, equal opportunity, and so determinedly inclusive that you felt every single untruth could catch a break and reach its full potential. Lies were experiencing an extraordinary moment of upward social mobility. Lies were living the American dream. Where once the president manufactured reactions to terrorist events, now his team manufacture the events themselves Even so, full credit to Kellyanne, who doesn’t pussy around pulling rabbits out of hats. On Thursday, she pulled out an entire rabbit hole. So let’s tumble down it, then, as madam introduces us to an event she referred to as “the Bowling Green massacre”. Defending the immigration ban Trump has imposed by executive order on seven Muslim-majority nations, Conway compared it – inaccurately/untruthfully/mendaciously – to temporary immigration restrictions effected by the state department under Barack Obama. These were a direct response to the arrest of two Iraqi nationals over a failed attempt to run guns and money to al-Qaida in Iraq. Or, as Kellyanne had it, these were a direct response to the “massacre”. “Most people don’t know that,” Kellyanne said of this causal chain, “because it didn’t get covered.” On the one hand, I suppose it’s possible that there are terrorist massacres on American soil that are not covered by the country’s famously phlegmatic news media. On the other, this feels like the least-credible deep info since the bit in Under Siege 2 where Steven Seagal’s niece claims he has “medals at home that are so secret he can never show them to anybody”. Still, surely the White House wouldn’t actually lie about this (as the last civilian will no doubt one day opine, as they distil drinking water from their own urine and swig it from their liberal tears mug)? Over to Kellyanne, who had more info on the whole horror show. It might not shock you to know that Iraqi refugees apparently “came here to this country, were radicalised and they were the masterminds behind the Bowling Green massacre”. Finally, a correct use of the word “mastermind” in a homeland security context – these guys were so superhumanly potent that they somehow erased all memories of their despicable act. Is it possible they were rogue timelords? If not, it seems reasonable to conclude that the Trump administration has crossed another Rubicon/passed through another looking glass/lied yet again. Where once the president manufactured reactions to terrorist events, now his team manufacture the events themselves. We have moved from Trump’s inventing a claim that he saw “thousands” of New Jersey Muslims celebrating the fall of the World Trade Centre on 9/11, to his team inventing a terror attack itself (you’ll note the deafening failure of Muslim leaders to condemn the Bowling Green massacre). And why not? Donald Trump is a businessman, as I believe he has mentioned on one or two occasions, though of course he isn’t the type to dwell on it. This is just backward integration. Small fish fabricate reactions to real-life terrorist massacres. Big fish know it makes sense to own the entire supply line, and fabricate the massacres themselves. Not only does this offer increased control of the value chain, but it creates jobs in bullshit. Speaking of which, how would you assess Conway’s job security? I assume she’ll just style this one out like she did the Gucci coat on inauguration day – she’s since tweeted to downgrade “massacre” to “terrorists”. My initial feeling was that Kellyanne’s experience of dealing with her own young children – which she frequently referenced – would stand her in good stead. After all, Ivanka can’t be expected to do all the reverse-parenting. Towards the end of the campaign, Conway explained how she managed the candidate. “You had these people saying, ‘Delete the app! Stop tweeting!’” she recalled. “I would say, ‘Here are a couple of cool things we should tweet today.’ It’s like saying to someone, ‘How about having two brownies and not six?’” Simpler times, perhaps. Last Sunday found Kellyanne in somewhat more hysterical mode, yet again casting an administration governing by diurnal decree as victims. “We turn the other cheek,” she explained of their dealings with the media. “If you are part of Team Trump, you walk around with these gaping, seeping wounds every single day.” A visual you may have trouble unseeing, there. And so it is that we hit the weekend with the Trump team having passed more comment on the fictitious massacre than it has on the massacre that took place last Sunday in the realm of fact – across America’s northern border, in Québec City, targeting Muslims at a mosque and perpetrated by a young white Québec native whose online life reveals his attraction to far-right politics, and explicitly to Trump himself Still, no rush. In due course, I’m sure time and truth can be sufficiently warped to suggest he acted in revenge for Bowling Green. |