'I toasted my marriage certificate like a marshmallow': readers on their divorces
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Version 0 of 1. Unlike marriage or bereavement, divorce has not traditionally been marked by a special event or social gathering. But, already established in the US and becoming more popular in the UK, divorce parties are said to provide “the ritual we humans need to cope with any difficult life transition”, as one event planner puts it. We asked our readers how they marked the end of their marriage and the emotions they felt when they received their decree absolute. Gwenyth, 58, Canada: I put my marriage certificate on the end of a stick and toasted it in the fire like a marshmallow I realised my husband was a millstone dragging my life down with his addictions and inability to hold a job long enough to contribute to our lives. On the day I received my decree nisi, I had a celebratory bonfire in my backyard. I put my marriage certificate (on which my ex had scribbled obscenities) on the end of a long stick and toasted it in the fire like a marshmallow. Afterwards, when I received the cash settlement from the sale of our house, I went on an extended hiking and camping tour of the UK. I deliberately spent every penny of that settlement on my trip because I didn’t want any of it left over to contaminate my new life. It was incredibly freeing and a huge relief. Although it took 15 years for me to trust my own judgment again, I am now happily married. Helen, 52, Uttoxeter: We filled in the divorce forms together and celebrated the outcome together, and that felt right We grew apart. We had married for the wrong reasons, but we’d been good friends before and we were good friends afterwards too. We went out for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Clapham the day our decree nisi came through. We were ordering aperitifs, starters, the whole enchilada, and the waiter asked “What are you celebrating?” We told him, and he rolled his eyes and said, “I get all the nutters on my tables,” and turned on his heel and walked away. We laughed so much.It was 1995, and I guess divorce celebrations weren’t so common, but ours felt right and worked for us. Sadly my ex-husband was killed in a random street attack in 2003. Getting divorced, like getting married, was something we’d done together. We filled in the forms together, we celebrated the outcome together, and that felt right. I don’t think we would have wanted a party though. Jason Southfields, 47, Wimbledon: I wondered when the pain of it all would go away When I look back now, I think both my ex-wife and myself had a terrible run of luck, which eventually took its toll on our marriage. We had both recently lost parents, had two very young children and no familial, or other, support around us. I eventually sought consolation in another relationship with someone at work, which I regretted instantly, but it made it clear to me that the marriage was over. I thought back to our wedding day and how happy we were. And then I broke down in tears. Divorce is extremely painful for most people who go through it. When I got the decree absolute through the post, I thought back to our wedding day and how happy we were, and how I genuinely thought the marriage would last for ever. And then I broke down in tears, and just couldn’t stop crying. For me, it was more painful than my dad dying a few years previously. I felt raw, broken and totally beaten up. That’s how I marked my divorce, wondering when the pain of it all might go away. To mark it in any other way would have dishonoured its memory. I simply took my wedding ring off, placed it in a box, and have never seen it since, some eight years later. Anonymous, 33, Boston: I fell in love and came out of the closet I got divorced at the age of 28 after nine months of marriage to a man I did not love but who I married because it was expected of me. I grew up in a rural area that was extremely conservative with the notion that being gay was not allowed. I was very deeply closeted until I met a woman by chance, from Spain, who changed the course of my life. I fell in love with her and told my husband, friends and family. For me, this transition was greater than just a divorce. I came out of the closet and had to face all the consequences that went along with that. My entire life changed when I decided to start living my life honestly. Travelling around the world with a woman I loved and finally allowing myself to be who I really am was the best way to mark the divorce. Steve H, 44, south London: I had a house party and decided to make the theme 80s fancy dress My ex-wife was unfaithful and living life together afterwards wasn’t an option. In retrospect the marriage had been dying a slow death for years and we probably weren’t really all that compatible in the first place. But we got together young, had kids and I loved her so we made a reasonable stab at keeping it all ticking along for 10 years. It was painful, but relief kicked in fairly quickly once the shock was over and the divorce became a reality. I felt free. I decided that rather than wallow or let what was the single most traumatic experience of my life pass by without mention, I wanted a ‘wake’ to mark the passing of what used to be my life and (hopefully) usher in a a bright new single future. Bearing in mind I was 35 when all this happened it felt like something to celebrate - the years ahead unwritten - at the same time as laying a life to rest. There was also a sense of wanting family and friends to see I was OK. I know it was just a token celebration but it was important to acknowledge what had happened. So I went all-out. I had a house party, invited all my best people, decided to make it 80s fancy dress and installed a disco ball in the dining room. I just wanted the best party I could imagine, in my house, with only my guest list, my music and my theme. It felt good, and it really did mark the start of my life to come. I realise a party may not be for everyone but not marking what is without a doubt one of life’s greatest traumas seems too much like toughing it out to me. As with all things in life, there’s usually a way to turn even the worst of situations into something positive. This was my way of trying to do that, and it helped. Grandmama, 69, Scotland: I celebrated by buying everyone in my team a cream cake I left my husband because his alcoholism was unstoppable. I loved him but could not bear to watch his inevitable decline and the resulting impact on myself and my children any more. I managed my departure by organising a new job in another country, leaving friends, family and possessions behind. I promised my mother-in-law that I wouldn’t divorce him when I left, so I had to wait for quite a long time. I stayed in touch with him over the years - it was very hard but I wanted to remember the happy times in our life together and focus on the positive. Six years later, he managed to initiate a no-fault divorce. I hate parties so celebrated by buying everyone in my team a cream cake. It was just a token celebration but it was important to acknowledge what had happened, and I wanted to break the news to my co-workers, who were unaware of the impending divorce. It was a great relief to feel free again and to have my marital status more clearly established at last. Angela, 38, London: I threw a big thank-god-I’m-free party My ex-husband had no ability to empathise, and his selfishness was on a level that still gives me chills. We sold the marital home and split the proceeds, so we both moved out at the same time. I moved into a beautiful 18th-century cottage that had walls several feet thick, which I hoped to provide me with the protection that I felt I needed at the time. The move also happened to coincide with my birthday, so I threw a big moving-in/birthday/thank-god-I’m-free party. Halfway through the evening I started to feel ill. I’d had a few cocktails but hadn’t overdone it. I was violently ill for the following 72 hours – the worst I’ve ever felt. It was just a nasty stomach bug but it felt like I was expelling all the stress of the last year of my life. Surrounded by friends who cared enough to literally hold my hair out of my face, to clear up after the party, and to stay with me until I was well again was a great sign of how wonderful some of the people in my life were willing to be. While I didn’t choose to be ill, I am glad I gathered my friends around me for that party. Divorce is such a lonely process, and I didn’t realise how much I needed to know I was still loved until I was shown. |