This article is from the source 'nytimes' and was first published or seen on . It last changed over 40 days ago and won't be checked again for changes.

You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/27/style/cat-marnell-addiction-memoir-how-to-murder-your-life.html

The article has changed 2 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.

Version 0 Version 1
Cat Marnell, a Former Beauty Editor, on Her New Addiction Memoir Cat Marnell, a Former Beauty Editor, on Her New Addiction Memoir
(about 5 hours later)
Cat Marnell, once a young beauty editor at the now-closed Lucky magazine, is known for her drug use and for writing about her drug use — at first for xoJane, the online magazine headed by Jane Pratt, and when she flamed out there, at Vice, in a short-lived column called “Amphetamine Logic.” Her devoted and horrified readers thrilled to the descriptions of her benders — on heroin, PCP, crack cocaine, regular cocaine, Adderall and alcohol, among a medley of other narcotics and stimulants — delivered in a volley of capital letters and exclamation points, and larded with the names of beauty products, fashion brands and celebrities. Her arch prose style recalled the anomie of “The Andy Warhol Diaries,” the deadpan exposition of “American Psycho” and the girl-speak pioneered by the staff of Sassy, the teenage magazine edited by Ms. Pratt that was published from 1988 to 1996.Cat Marnell, once a young beauty editor at the now-closed Lucky magazine, is known for her drug use and for writing about her drug use — at first for xoJane, the online magazine headed by Jane Pratt, and when she flamed out there, at Vice, in a short-lived column called “Amphetamine Logic.” Her devoted and horrified readers thrilled to the descriptions of her benders — on heroin, PCP, crack cocaine, regular cocaine, Adderall and alcohol, among a medley of other narcotics and stimulants — delivered in a volley of capital letters and exclamation points, and larded with the names of beauty products, fashion brands and celebrities. Her arch prose style recalled the anomie of “The Andy Warhol Diaries,” the deadpan exposition of “American Psycho” and the girl-speak pioneered by the staff of Sassy, the teenage magazine edited by Ms. Pratt that was published from 1988 to 1996.
Ms. Marnell turned the tropes of women’s magazine writing upside down, with stories like “The Art of Crack-tractiveness: How to Look and Feel Hot on No Sleep,” which offered tips like “Brush your teeth!” along with a how-to guide to real beauty products for fellow partyers who might, like Ms. Marnell, have spent the night in a warehouse, as she wrote, with a “bunch of U.K. dustheads for five straight hours.”Ms. Marnell turned the tropes of women’s magazine writing upside down, with stories like “The Art of Crack-tractiveness: How to Look and Feel Hot on No Sleep,” which offered tips like “Brush your teeth!” along with a how-to guide to real beauty products for fellow partyers who might, like Ms. Marnell, have spent the night in a warehouse, as she wrote, with a “bunch of U.K. dustheads for five straight hours.”
It was irresistible, and also appalling, and the internet tied itself up in knots debating Ms. Marnell’s honesty, talent, authenticity and narcissism, along with the exploitative and enabling behavior of her many bosses. Naturally, she got a book deal and a half-million dollar advance from Simon & Schuster. That was she was able to produce her addiction memoir, “How to Murder Your Life,” out this week, is a startling feat, given her history of cycling through rehab and psych wards, and her continued prescription drug use. The book is as compelling — and as problematic — as her magazine writing: vivid, maddening, heartbreaking, very funny, chaotic and repetitive, as benders are. It was irresistible, and also appalling, and the internet tied itself up in knots debating Ms. Marnell’s honesty, talent, authenticity and narcissism, along with the exploitative and enabling behavior of her many bosses. Naturally, she got a book deal and a half-million dollar advance from Simon & Schuster. That she was able to produce her addiction memoir, “How to Murder Your Life,” out this week, is a startling feat, given her history of cycling through rehab and psych wards, and her continued prescription drug use. The book is as compelling — and as problematic — as her magazine writing: vivid, maddening, heartbreaking, very funny, chaotic and repetitive, as benders are.
On a recent Tuesday, Ms. Marnell, now 34, welcomed me into her Chinatown apartment, a one-bedroom overlooking the on-ramp to the Manhattan Bridge. The place, which she rented a year and half ago, was decorated with stacks of addiction memoirs; a sheepskin rug upon which was laid a strand of blue Christmas lights aglow; a gray wool sofa; a few framed Takashi Murakami prints; and a poster of Harry Styles of the pop boy band One Direction. On a recent Tuesday, Ms. Marnell, now 34, welcomed me into her Chinatown apartment, a one-bedroom overlooking the on-ramp to the Manhattan Bridge. The place, which she rented a year and a half ago, was decorated with stacks of addiction memoirs; a sheepskin rug upon which was laid a strand of blue Christmas lights aglow; a gray wool sofa; a few framed Takashi Murakami prints; and a poster of Harry Styles of the pop boy band One Direction.
Birdlike and delicate-looking, Ms. Marnell wore bell-bottom jeans, a pink tank top and a waist-length wig in candy colors, one of a sizable collection she has amassed since her hair fell out a few years ago, she isn’t quite sure why. She ordered three cups of coffee from a nearby deli, smoked a Marlboro Light very quickly, blowing the smoke out of the sliding glass windows that open to a fire escape and then poured herself a glass of white wine. Birdlike and delicate-looking, Ms. Marnell wore bell-bottom jeans, a pink tank top and a waist-length wig in candy colors, one of a sizable collection she has amassed since her hair fell out a few years ago, she isn’t quite sure why. She ordered three cups of coffee from a nearby deli, smoked a Marlboro Light very quickly, blowing the smoke out of the sliding glass windows that open to a fire escape, and then poured herself a glass of white wine.
The following interview has been edited and condensed.The following interview has been edited and condensed.
I’ve just finished reading your book, which is harrowing, so I’m a little shaken.I’ve just finished reading your book, which is harrowing, so I’m a little shaken.
Dude, that was four years ago. I have everything now but hair, though I’m not in recovery and I’m not clean. People are like, “Is it so brave to tell everything?” I’m like, “No.” For me, being brave would be being in a program and getting clean, instead of “I found a way to talk about my problems ad nauseam and somehow get paid for it.” Not that I want to reduce what I’ve accomplished. I want to say good things.Dude, that was four years ago. I have everything now but hair, though I’m not in recovery and I’m not clean. People are like, “Is it so brave to tell everything?” I’m like, “No.” For me, being brave would be being in a program and getting clean, instead of “I found a way to talk about my problems ad nauseam and somehow get paid for it.” Not that I want to reduce what I’ve accomplished. I want to say good things.
One idea about addiction is that it’s a way to impose structure on a chaotic world. Ann Marlowe’s memoir of her heroin addiction, “How to Stop Time: Heroin From A to Z,” out in 2000, is a compelling example. And you still take Adderall and Ambien, right?One idea about addiction is that it’s a way to impose structure on a chaotic world. Ann Marlowe’s memoir of her heroin addiction, “How to Stop Time: Heroin From A to Z,” out in 2000, is a compelling example. And you still take Adderall and Ambien, right?
Yes. That’s really true. People think of addicts as being out of control, and they really are. But I’m also a control freak. I want to control everything with a pill, from my appetite to sleeping.Yes. That’s really true. People think of addicts as being out of control, and they really are. But I’m also a control freak. I want to control everything with a pill, from my appetite to sleeping.
Do you feel you’ve been exploited by the magazines you worked for?Do you feel you’ve been exploited by the magazines you worked for?
No. Addicts exploit people. I exploited every opportunity. I have my whole life. The thing about addiction, everyone is asking, Don’t you think addiction books are tired? But I think addiction is as human an experience as anything, like heartbreak. It’s like any relationship, a marriage, a divorce, it’s a relationship and it’s human. I wrote this book really for younger people, for the girl I used to be.No. Addicts exploit people. I exploited every opportunity. I have my whole life. The thing about addiction, everyone is asking, Don’t you think addiction books are tired? But I think addiction is as human an experience as anything, like heartbreak. It’s like any relationship, a marriage, a divorce, it’s a relationship and it’s human. I wrote this book really for younger people, for the girl I used to be.
Your father, a psychiatrist, prescribed you Ritalin when you were a teenager.Your father, a psychiatrist, prescribed you Ritalin when you were a teenager.
It’s so complicated. The thing is, the A.D.H.D. drugs did help. If you had seen my grades, failing school — failing! — and the only thing I had to do was take a pill? That shows the deficit.It’s so complicated. The thing is, the A.D.H.D. drugs did help. If you had seen my grades, failing school — failing! — and the only thing I had to do was take a pill? That shows the deficit.
If my father had been a gun owner, he wouldn’t have thought twice about having a gun in his office, and I wouldn’t have touched it or done anything violent. But in the same way, as a doctor, he didn’t think twice about having samples of Zoloft in his home office. And at 12 years old I did steal samples of antidepressants and bring them to school and take them in front of my friends because I wanted to be cool. I think I am hard-wired for addiction. My father is a good man, and a good dad, and so ethical and I manipulated him for years. But this is the problem. Parents are putting their children on drugs, but they don’t think of them as drugs. They think of them as medication.If my father had been a gun owner, he wouldn’t have thought twice about having a gun in his office, and I wouldn’t have touched it or done anything violent. But in the same way, as a doctor, he didn’t think twice about having samples of Zoloft in his home office. And at 12 years old I did steal samples of antidepressants and bring them to school and take them in front of my friends because I wanted to be cool. I think I am hard-wired for addiction. My father is a good man, and a good dad, and so ethical and I manipulated him for years. But this is the problem. Parents are putting their children on drugs, but they don’t think of them as drugs. They think of them as medication.
You were good at magazines, even when you were a little girl, making zines up in your bedroom. You write that you always wanted to be a beauty editor.You were good at magazines, even when you were a little girl, making zines up in your bedroom. You write that you always wanted to be a beauty editor.
Condé Nast editors were like movie stars to me. When I got to Lucky and saw them in the halls, I wanted to huff Anna Wintour. I would stare at Grace Coddington and her fruity red hair. I wanted to be like them so badly, and I did everything I could to fit in. I want my ashes sprinkled in the Condé Nast library. I have a whole collection of magazines in storage. Italian Vogues. Lucky was on the same floor as the international editions, and I got a lot there.Condé Nast editors were like movie stars to me. When I got to Lucky and saw them in the halls, I wanted to huff Anna Wintour. I would stare at Grace Coddington and her fruity red hair. I wanted to be like them so badly, and I did everything I could to fit in. I want my ashes sprinkled in the Condé Nast library. I have a whole collection of magazines in storage. Italian Vogues. Lucky was on the same floor as the international editions, and I got a lot there.
I think about Diana Vreeland, she was so fabulous. Her “Why Don’t Yous” were better than anything on the internet. I’ve been trying to start a list of my own. I just thought of one yesterday: Why don’t you cultivate a wee garden of carnivorous plants so you can lord over them?I think about Diana Vreeland, she was so fabulous. Her “Why Don’t Yous” were better than anything on the internet. I’ve been trying to start a list of my own. I just thought of one yesterday: Why don’t you cultivate a wee garden of carnivorous plants so you can lord over them?
So magazines were everything to me; it never felt like work. It’s crazy that they are nothing now. I feel so embarrassed having this sleazy book sometimes. Did I just sell out everyone in my life including my parents?So magazines were everything to me; it never felt like work. It’s crazy that they are nothing now. I feel so embarrassed having this sleazy book sometimes. Did I just sell out everyone in my life including my parents?
Let’s talk about your internet reputation. If you Google “Cat Marnell,” the predominant image is of you in a slip, with smeared lipstick and matted hair and words written in Sharpie on your forearms. Is this the result of a bender or was it your intention to go for a full-on Courtney Love look?Let’s talk about your internet reputation. If you Google “Cat Marnell,” the predominant image is of you in a slip, with smeared lipstick and matted hair and words written in Sharpie on your forearms. Is this the result of a bender or was it your intention to go for a full-on Courtney Love look?
I’ve always homaged. Let’s just say it was one night, and it was intentional. It interests me that women paint their face every day. So I was at an event, and I just smeared it.I’ve always homaged. Let’s just say it was one night, and it was intentional. It interests me that women paint their face every day. So I was at an event, and I just smeared it.
On purpose?On purpose?
Yes. The reason it’s used over and over is because I never showed up for that many things. I couldn’t get out of bed. But as a beauty editor who had a drug addiction at the same time, when I got positive attention for that, things just started to meld. Also, I was smoking a lot of PCP.Yes. The reason it’s used over and over is because I never showed up for that many things. I couldn’t get out of bed. But as a beauty editor who had a drug addiction at the same time, when I got positive attention for that, things just started to meld. Also, I was smoking a lot of PCP.
Over the years of writing the book, I couldn’t be high every day. I couldn’t be high. I had to take my drugs as prescribed. People still come around wanting to smoke PCP. People don’t want you to change. But I would never go back. The one thing I regret is I had these black silk blackout curtains a friend who works at Helmut Lang gave me. They were thumbtacked over my windows; I didn’t have light in my apartment for years. I would go to bed at 9 a.m. I wish I had saved the fabric and made it into a gown and worn it to my book party. That’s a “Why Don’t You?!” “Why don’t you save your blackout curtains and sew them into a gown?”Over the years of writing the book, I couldn’t be high every day. I couldn’t be high. I had to take my drugs as prescribed. People still come around wanting to smoke PCP. People don’t want you to change. But I would never go back. The one thing I regret is I had these black silk blackout curtains a friend who works at Helmut Lang gave me. They were thumbtacked over my windows; I didn’t have light in my apartment for years. I would go to bed at 9 a.m. I wish I had saved the fabric and made it into a gown and worn it to my book party. That’s a “Why Don’t You?!” “Why don’t you save your blackout curtains and sew them into a gown?”
Your book is dedicated to “all the party girls.” Can you elaborate?Your book is dedicated to “all the party girls.” Can you elaborate?
I always wanted to be a party girl. But party girls don’t exist in recovery or rehab. I didn’t know until I lost my career that I was an addict and not just a person with problems. Girls come up to me in the nightclubs now, and I see them trotting around in their miniskirts and their flea market rabbit coats and I love them. I was lucky enough to have such strong female mentors, surrogate mother figures like Jean Godfrey-June [Lucky’s beauty director and one of Ms. Marnell’s long-suffering bosses] in roles I forced on them. Now, I don’t have a way to mentor young girls. I don’t work in magazines or have a job. I can’t coach them, but I can talk from an authentic place about what it’s really like to go through this stuff. I’m a privileged person, I’ve never had to struggle, but I’ve been through it.I always wanted to be a party girl. But party girls don’t exist in recovery or rehab. I didn’t know until I lost my career that I was an addict and not just a person with problems. Girls come up to me in the nightclubs now, and I see them trotting around in their miniskirts and their flea market rabbit coats and I love them. I was lucky enough to have such strong female mentors, surrogate mother figures like Jean Godfrey-June [Lucky’s beauty director and one of Ms. Marnell’s long-suffering bosses] in roles I forced on them. Now, I don’t have a way to mentor young girls. I don’t work in magazines or have a job. I can’t coach them, but I can talk from an authentic place about what it’s really like to go through this stuff. I’m a privileged person, I’ve never had to struggle, but I’ve been through it.
I really think the only thing about being younger is that you look good. It’s what they give you to compensate for the fact you’re so unbelievably insecure. I love the girls on the comeup. I love these Instagram models who turn around and get things done. There’s no right way to be a woman. That’s why I feel so protective of the young party girls who are so smart but think it’s all about being sexy and going home with the right guys. All I wanted when I was young was to be cool. Now that I’m cool, I just want to go to Europe. If I were 23, I would have fan-ed out, I would have been obsessed with, quote-unquote, Cat Marnell.I really think the only thing about being younger is that you look good. It’s what they give you to compensate for the fact you’re so unbelievably insecure. I love the girls on the comeup. I love these Instagram models who turn around and get things done. There’s no right way to be a woman. That’s why I feel so protective of the young party girls who are so smart but think it’s all about being sexy and going home with the right guys. All I wanted when I was young was to be cool. Now that I’m cool, I just want to go to Europe. If I were 23, I would have fan-ed out, I would have been obsessed with, quote-unquote, Cat Marnell.