Tie length: a worrying ​guide to Trump’s state of mind

https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2017/jan/30/tie-length-a-worrying-guide-to-trumps-state-of-mind

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I’ve noticed that Donald Trump wears his tie freakishly long. Is there a message here?

Paul McGilchrist, Colchester

I’ll be honest, Paul, when I first read your email my immediate reaction was, honestly, his tie-length is the least of my worries about him. But then, being the hard-working*, Pulitzer prizewinning**, serious investigative*** journalist I am, I looked into the matter and, damned if you don’t have a point! Jesus, what the hell is up with that man’s ties?

I began with Trump’s ABC interview, which was screened last week and was less an interview and more a giant scream for help, from Trump and the US simultaneously. Now, of all the lunacies to have emerged from this firepit of kray-kray, most people have focused on how the president of the United States is still insisting that “millions of people” voted illegally, but he telepathically knows none of these nonexistent illegal votes went to him. But really, why is anyone surprised by the garbage that comes out of this man’s mouth? Aside from the fact that he’s been spewing sewage for more than 40 years, just look at his tie, for God’s sake! It dangles all the way down to – well, down to a part of his anatomy that Trump mentioned during the campaign, prompting CNN to run the unforgettable headline, “Donald Trump defends the size of his penis.” Feel the pride, America.

Which brings us back to Trump’s tie size. I have now combed through thousands**** of photos of Trump (fortunately the Guardian pays me £1bn a month*****, so I am just about recompensed for my pains) and this tie thing seems to have started in the past decade.

Trump has always been a walking ball of neediness. In the 80s and 90s these needs were slaked by women and celebrity. It has only been in more recent years that political clout became his quarry, and there is a very obvious correlation between his need for political respect and the length of his tie. In the early Republican presidential debates, for example, he felt as if he had already won just by being up on the podium, and his tie was almost of normal length. But by the time he was debating with Hillary Clinton, and he realised that he had to win this so as not to be a LOSER, his tie was almost down to his knees.

The worrying – if deadeningly inevitable – takeaway is that Trump is still wearing the long ties, suggesting his neediness remains unsatisfied, despite now being president. But then, his obsession with the size of his inauguration and his loss of the popular vote might have given that game away. So in conclusion, going by the tie theory (and frankly, we should cling to any theory we can these days) becoming president seems to have made Trump more neurotic, not less, and this makes him lash out more, lose more respect, feel even more insecure and lengthen his ties yet further. Watch the ties, world. And be very, very afraid.

* Kinda

** An alternative fact

*** I investigate asos.com on an hourly basis

**** -ish

***** Fake news

What outfit should a woman wear if she does not want to be raped?

Julia, north London

It is a pickle, isn’t it, ladies? I mean, we can’t just rely on that divide in our closets that separates our Clothes to Be Raped in (short skirts, skinny jeans, low cut tops, high heels) from our Clothes Not to Be Raped in (nun habits), as we once did. Confusions arise these days.

A recent Fawcett report found that 38% of men and 34% of women believe that if a woman wears a short skirt and gets drunk she is partially or totally to blame if she is sexually assaulted. Should have worn the nun’s habit, gals! And if you’re shouting “Who the FRICK would think let alone say such a stupid thing in 2017???!”, allow me, good readers, to direct you to the presenters of Sky News.

To examine this report, Sky News held what the lamentably late Mrs Merton used to call “a heated debate”. Now that we live in the era of outright presidential lies and teenagers in Macedonia faking news stories, I would suggest to news editors that the old trope of covering a story by forcing a stupid debate when there’s clearly an objective truth (“Is climate change a thing?” “Are Jews people?”, to cite two recent examples) has possibly had its day.

Anyway, presenter Stephen Dixon asked: “Is it a dreadful thing to say ...” Let me stop you there, Stephen! The answer is yes! And yet, he soldiered on. These short-skirted temptresses should take “personal responsibility”, because, he suggested, a woman wearing a short skirt was being “provoking”. Sky News later said Dixon was merely playing devil’s advocate (that joker). Weather presenter Nazaneen Ghaffar piped up that she believed women wear short skirts “to look sexy”, so damn those whores to their rape, I guess, and stick a scarlet letter on them next time. Professor Sarah Churchwell replied that wanting to look sexy did not mean that a woman deserved to be sexually assaulted, but give it up, Churchwell. A woman is always to blame for her rape, because she is provoking men with her slutty vagina. So bravo to Sky News for telling all victims of sexual assault that they brought it on themselves by allowing their poor wardrobe choices to provoke the rapists that bit more obviously. But remember, it’s all just part of the news debate. What larks!