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| What parents really mean about exam results | What parents really mean about exam results |
| (about 7 hours later) | |
| There is something about exam results that brings out an irresistible need for parents to give advice to their teenage children. They can't stop themselves sharing their wisdom in these anxious moments. | There is something about exam results that brings out an irresistible need for parents to give advice to their teenage children. They can't stop themselves sharing their wisdom in these anxious moments. |
| But it's delivered in code, a parent code, where you never say what you're thinking. Here's what parents really mean. | But it's delivered in code, a parent code, where you never say what you're thinking. Here's what parents really mean. |
| 1. "You tried your hardest, that's the most important thing." Utterly damning, this translates as: "The results are a complete disaster, and your mother is upstairs crying neat gin over her Facebook page... but we're going to keep smiling, even if my fixed grin starts to look more like a medical condition." | 1. "You tried your hardest, that's the most important thing." Utterly damning, this translates as: "The results are a complete disaster, and your mother is upstairs crying neat gin over her Facebook page... but we're going to keep smiling, even if my fixed grin starts to look more like a medical condition." |
| 2. "You've got your grades. Now follow your dreams." This means: "Whatever you do, don't follow your dreams. Do something that is soul-crushingly dull that brings in some cash. Look at your parents, we haven't had a pay rise since 2005, do you think we're following our dreams? Go to the Reading Festival, get a flower painted on your face and then come back to your chemistry A-level. That's what 'follow your dreams' means." | 2. "You've got your grades. Now follow your dreams." This means: "Whatever you do, don't follow your dreams. Do something that is soul-crushingly dull that brings in some cash. Look at your parents, we haven't had a pay rise since 2005, do you think we're following our dreams? Go to the Reading Festival, get a flower painted on your face and then come back to your chemistry A-level. That's what 'follow your dreams' means." |
| 3. "Of course, it was different in my day." 100% guaranteed to start an argument. Your teenage genius might have a string of top grades, but somewhere in that dark, begrudging heart of parenthood, you're thinking that back in the old days no-one got all A-grades except for lifers with nothing else to do in prison. You mull over some thoughts about O-levels... and then you casually say: "Of course, it was different in my day." Whoosh! It's fireworks day in August. | 3. "Of course, it was different in my day." 100% guaranteed to start an argument. Your teenage genius might have a string of top grades, but somewhere in that dark, begrudging heart of parenthood, you're thinking that back in the old days no-one got all A-grades except for lifers with nothing else to do in prison. You mull over some thoughts about O-levels... and then you casually say: "Of course, it was different in my day." Whoosh! It's fireworks day in August. |
| 4. "Of course I'm not disappointed." Oh yes you are. | 4. "Of course I'm not disappointed." Oh yes you are. |
| 5. "I don't want to say, 'I told you so.'" Yes, you really, really, really want to say: "I told you so," more than anything else in the world. Playing on Snapchat while watching Netflix, when revising, wasn't the equivalent of a "brain gym". You warned that colour-coding all the revision notes was not "technically the same as essay practice". And you warned about going out the night before an exam with a bunch of friends who had all the thoughtful introspection of a Donald Trump rally... "I don't want to say, 'I told...'" Stop, hit the brakes, it can only end badly. | 5. "I don't want to say, 'I told you so.'" Yes, you really, really, really want to say: "I told you so," more than anything else in the world. Playing on Snapchat while watching Netflix, when revising, wasn't the equivalent of a "brain gym". You warned that colour-coding all the revision notes was not "technically the same as essay practice". And you warned about going out the night before an exam with a bunch of friends who had all the thoughtful introspection of a Donald Trump rally... "I don't want to say, 'I told...'" Stop, hit the brakes, it can only end badly. |
| 6. "I saw other people on Twitter talking about unfair results this year." This translates as: "It's not your fault. It's the system, that big, bad system that keeps stopping everyone from seeing what unusually talented children we have." There are some parents who always put the blame everywhere else except on the gifted shoulders of their very special offspring. The exam boards are clearly part of this vast conspiracy. | |
| 7. "Have you heard how your cousin got on?" This is an imperceptible nod towards a whole world of unspoken rivalries. This really means: "Did you stick it to that unbearably smug, over-achieving relative? I've just texted them your best wishes." | 7. "Have you heard how your cousin got on?" This is an imperceptible nod towards a whole world of unspoken rivalries. This really means: "Did you stick it to that unbearably smug, over-achieving relative? I've just texted them your best wishes." |
| 8. "Well, that's a bit of a surprise. Maybe we should ring the school. Now. Or possibly sooner." A GCSE results-shaped mushroom cloud has obliterated Plan A for the A-levels, and it's blown a hole through Plans B, C and D. But keep calm, don't reveal that note of panic. Your teenager's academic performance has been like a milk float on a motorway, but try not to betray any sense of parental horror. Just breathe deeply and no sudden movements. | 8. "Well, that's a bit of a surprise. Maybe we should ring the school. Now. Or possibly sooner." A GCSE results-shaped mushroom cloud has obliterated Plan A for the A-levels, and it's blown a hole through Plans B, C and D. But keep calm, don't reveal that note of panic. Your teenager's academic performance has been like a milk float on a motorway, but try not to betray any sense of parental horror. Just breathe deeply and no sudden movements. |
| 9. "Have you seen the car that the plumber was driving?" "I think we can stop worrying about the Oxbridge applications in sixth form. Years from now you can come and take all our money for fixing something without really explaining what you've repaired. Then you can have that big conversation in the kitchen about how only mugs go to university and get into all that debt." | 9. "Have you seen the car that the plumber was driving?" "I think we can stop worrying about the Oxbridge applications in sixth form. Years from now you can come and take all our money for fixing something without really explaining what you've repaired. Then you can have that big conversation in the kitchen about how only mugs go to university and get into all that debt." |
| 10. "You'll have to make up your own mind about what to do next." "After we've bribed, blackmailed and cajoled you into doing what we think is best. Then you can make up your own mind. Hold on, don't slam the door like that, I've got your cousin on the phone..." | 10. "You'll have to make up your own mind about what to do next." "After we've bribed, blackmailed and cajoled you into doing what we think is best. Then you can make up your own mind. Hold on, don't slam the door like that, I've got your cousin on the phone..." |
| What are your worst and best reactions to exam results? And what did you really meant? |