Ten ways to cope with referendum anxiety

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/commentisfree/2016/jun/23/ways-to-cope-with-eu-referendum-angst

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I don’t know about you, but I’m having a really relaxing, productive day. After going into the polling station, I returned home and compulsively ate Kettle Chips for an hour as I contemplated a post-apocalyptic future, and wondered whether everything will be upside down and on fire this time tomorrow as voters react to the fact that they didn’t get the result they wanted.

It’s an anxious time for all of us, and since the referendum was announced at the start of the year families have been ripped apart, throwing Jersey Royals at each other over the dinner table as they row about whether high-end potatoes are protected or threatened by our current EU member status. The constant coverage has put us all on edge.

I genuinely can’t work out whether this is the most important political event to happen in my lifetime, or whether it’s just that I’ve chosen to become so obsessed that I am personally no longer capable of forming a sentence that doesn’t feature the word “Euro”. I’m almost certain that the advert with Danny Dyer saying “Vote, yeah? Or I’ll send the boys round,” was just an anxiety dream. But I’m equally certain that I really saw Jeremy Paxman shouting at Sandie Puppet-on-a-String Shaw on telly last night.

While the country is in limbo, we have to work out a way of keeping our referendum fever in check. We won’t have any answers until tomorrow morning, so here’s how we can distract ourselves until then.

1. Guess the C-list celebrity votes

Last night’s you-had-to-see-it-to-believe-it Channel 4 debate showed us that a surprising number of “famous people” – and I use that expression very loosely – have unpredictable, strong views on whether we should stay or go. Enlist a friend who is also in urgent need of distraction, and one of these lists – with a prize for the greatest number of correctly guessed preferences and double points for outliers like darts legend Bobby George and Chloe off Ex on the Beach.

2. Turn a family member into a meme

Just took 93yr Mum to vote, she's registered blind. In a very loud voice she said, "Which box for out?" A cheer went up from waiting voters

“Keith” took to Twitter to claim that when he took his 93-year old-blind mother to the polling station she asked “‘Which box for out?’ and a cheer went up from waiting voters.” We’re not sure if his mum, or in fact Keith, is real, but #KeithsMum is helping us all at this difficult time.

3. Don’t rely on one poll

The secret of meteorology is that you have to keep looking for new weather forecasts until you find the one that tells you exactly what you want to know. Similarly, there are so many referendum polls available that it’s possible to keep Googling them until you find one with the results you want.

4. #DogsAtPollingStations

Social media may be a platform for fury, fights and political discord, especially right now, but this particular hashtag is taking the tension out of the day, because it’s impossible to feel animosity towards someone who is voting the opposite way from you when they are bringing a sweet little spaniel or staffy to the polling station. Today this country is going to the dogs – and it’s a good thing.

5. Buy currency for holidays you might go on

Has your trip to the polling station given you a taste for standing in a queue while quietly muttering to yourself? Why not head to your nearest Post Office and beat the anticipated sterling currency fluctuations by stocking up on euros, US dollars and Vietnamese Dong? This is also a great way to find inspiration if you’re working out where to go when you leave the country permanently, should the results not go your way.

6. Pay a tax bill

Or check your bank statement, or get a filling, or call your Uncle Reg like you promised to six months ago, to tell him about how the Cloud works. I’m planning to work through my referendum angst by taking an old toothbrush to a mouldy bath mat.

7. Watch Passport to Pimlico

You could spend this evening watching the results come in, holding your breath and hiding behind the sofa, or you could put on this informative Ealing comedy, just in case you need instructions for establishing your own principality come Friday morning.

8. Jump in a puddle

We don’t yet know whether or not puddles will be subject to new regulation or taxation in the event of major societal change. The weather outside is frightful, so enjoy while you have the chance.

9. Use your hands

If you have any nails left, try to keep busy in order to preserve them. It’s a great time to take up cross stitch, by sewing a simple “IN” or “OUT” on to an old tea towel. If you’re too agitated to thread a needle, find a manicurist who will physically threaten you with cuticle scissors if you attempt to check Twitter during the treatment.

10. Obsess over which box you ticked

Know that no matter what your views are, there’s a 50% chance that you’ve ruined your own future by accident, which is comforting.