A cruise ship survival guide

https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2010/nov/12/cruising-stranded-at-sea

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I blame The Love Boat: the sickly sweet US cruise-based sitcom, which seemed to be on constant replay in the late 70s and early 80s, gave the idea that cruises were glamorous, adventurous and romantic. Try telling that to the more than 3,000 passengers this week stuck on a floating hotel and forced to eat Spam. Stranded off the coast of Mexico after a fire in the engine room of the luxury liner Carnival Splendor, they were, at least for a short time, without toilets, air-conditioning, hot water and fridges, surviving on canned meat and Pop-Tarts dropped by the US navy.

But are we surprised? Aren't cruise horror stories par for the course these days? Not if you follow our handy guide on how to survive at sea:

Beware cruise bores

Cruise expert and travel writer John Honeywell's No 1 tip for a happy cruise is to keep away from the cruise bores "who insist on telling you all about their previous cruises".

That's easy to say, but I can't shake the memory of sitting at dinner with the same couple every night for 10 days while they complained endlessley in broad Birmingham accents that the magnificient monuments we had visited during an Egyptian river cruise weren't "their cup of tea". The sun was too hot, their rooms were too small and Egypt was too dirty. The only time they perked up was when they got a glimpse of the ship used in the filming of an adaptation of Agatha Christie's Death on the Nile – in which a cruise passenger is murdered.

But, says Honeywell, it doesn't have to be like this ."There are still cruises where you have to sit next to the same person every night, and, if you don't get on, you have to speak to the maître d', but this is becoming less common. Most ships now have a selection of restaurants where you can go on your own or with your partner."

So, choose your cruise holiday very carefully.

Avoid disaster

Cruises may seem like a safe option – but when illness strikes, everyone is a target. More than 130 passengers consulted lawyers after becoming ill with a suspected norovirus between 18 December 2009 and 6 February 2010 on the ship Island Escape.

Despite this, travel medical expert Dr Richard Dawood says cruises are low risk. The companies that run them are extremely careful about illness prevention because outbreaks can leave them losing so much money. "These days all the food is covered with glass plates to stop people breathing on it and [each time] you get back on the boat, there is alcohol gel at every entrance." The ships are often now so large, and some liners so well-equipped, that they are prepared for any medical emergency, even having x-ray facilities on board.

Other problems are harder to predict – in 2005, a ship on its way from Miami to New York was hit by a 21m (70ft) wave that broke windows and flooded 62 of its 1,112 cabins, injuring passengers.

Food

Never mind water – on ships today, it's food that's everywhere. All night buffets, chocolates and after-dinner snacks left on your bed, endless restaurants and snack bars – it's no wonder people say you can gain about 10lb a week on a cruise. But according to Carolyn Spencer Brown, editor-in-chief of Cruise Critic, things are getting a little less gluttonous. "You can go to the buffet like a pig in a trough, but there are healthier options now too. A lot more ships have smoothie bars, sushi and heart-healthy menus."

Responsible travel

But what about the environment and horrific working conditions? In 2007, a BBC investigation found staff on ships working 18-hour days and paying agents to secure their jobs. Environmentally, cruises are said to be worse than long-haul flights and most shockingly, in January this year luxury liners continued to dock 0n beaches in Haiti so passengers could enjoy jetski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails in the week after the country's devastating earthquake.

Spencer Brown insists that cruise ships are making leaps with environmentally friendly technology, but to be sure of a less cavalier attitude to communities and the planet, Orion Expedition Cruises, Australia, and Kalimantan Tour Destinations, Indonesia, won the 2010 Responsible Travel awards for their ethical and environmental priorities.