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| Stockpile near-death experiences and look anguished: a guide to expat etiquette | Stockpile near-death experiences and look anguished: a guide to expat etiquette |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| There are two unmistakable signs that you live in an expat bubble. First, the only time that you talk to non-expats is at work. Second, you look around at any social gathering and realise that no one is actually from the country where said gathering is taking place. | There are two unmistakable signs that you live in an expat bubble. First, the only time that you talk to non-expats is at work. Second, you look around at any social gathering and realise that no one is actually from the country where said gathering is taking place. |
| As always, you have choices. You can strike out on your own, boast of your friendships with local shopkeepers and street children, and tell everyone that you didn’t travel overseas to spend your time drinking with Americans and Europeans. This is an honourable path, but might leave you lonely. | As always, you have choices. You can strike out on your own, boast of your friendships with local shopkeepers and street children, and tell everyone that you didn’t travel overseas to spend your time drinking with Americans and Europeans. This is an honourable path, but might leave you lonely. |
| Alternatively, you can embrace the expat bubble. Like any social situation in which a group of random people is confined to a small space – like a high school, or prison – it promises immediate transitory friendships, drama and the opportunity to scorn new arrivals. | Alternatively, you can embrace the expat bubble. Like any social situation in which a group of random people is confined to a small space – like a high school, or prison – it promises immediate transitory friendships, drama and the opportunity to scorn new arrivals. |
| As ever, striking the right balance between these two extremes is up to you, but here a few tips to help you navigate the process. | As ever, striking the right balance between these two extremes is up to you, but here a few tips to help you navigate the process. |
| How to talk to expats | How to talk to expats |
| Nod frequently. Look thoughtful. Especially when people are talking about a) horrific things, b) how terrible everything is, or c) how awful their boss is. | Nod frequently. Look thoughtful. Especially when people are talking about a) horrific things, b) how terrible everything is, or c) how awful their boss is. |
| Refer to Ethiopia’s capital, Addis Ababa, as just Addis. Johannesburg should always be Joburg. Say ciao, even if you’re not Italian. | Refer to Ethiopia’s capital, Addis Ababa, as just Addis. Johannesburg should always be Joburg. Say ciao, even if you’re not Italian. |
| Aid workers are notorious for speaking in acronyms and you might, after a time, feel the irresistible urge to make some up. This is healthy. Just remember that most acronyms are three or four letters long. Try to use the most common vowels and consonants. If you can’t think of a decent one on your own, then just use airport codes – KHT, NBO and so on. | Aid workers are notorious for speaking in acronyms and you might, after a time, feel the irresistible urge to make some up. This is healthy. Just remember that most acronyms are three or four letters long. Try to use the most common vowels and consonants. If you can’t think of a decent one on your own, then just use airport codes – KHT, NBO and so on. |
| Related: From cluster meetings to sunsetting: how to speak development (jargon) | Related: From cluster meetings to sunsetting: how to speak development (jargon) |
| Acronyms describe things that invariably sound or work better on paper than in practice. Hence, when using your new acronym – the NBO process – try to look thoughtful and frustrated and resigned, yet still willing to fight the good fight. | Acronyms describe things that invariably sound or work better on paper than in practice. Hence, when using your new acronym – the NBO process – try to look thoughtful and frustrated and resigned, yet still willing to fight the good fight. |
| Also use the same expression when saying words like “governance”, “participatory” or “sustainable”. These words should be used as frequently as possible. | Also use the same expression when saying words like “governance”, “participatory” or “sustainable”. These words should be used as frequently as possible. |
| How to drink in expat bars | How to drink in expat bars |
| Most large cities will have an expat bar or three. It will be crowded – unless there’s been a recent bomb scare or police crackdown. It will be loud and you will pay far too much for mediocre drinks. | Most large cities will have an expat bar or three. It will be crowded – unless there’s been a recent bomb scare or police crackdown. It will be loud and you will pay far too much for mediocre drinks. |
| Prove your credentials by casually describing the time you almost crashed on a runway in the Congo | |
| The expat bar is a place to get very, very drunk. It’s also a place for more anthropological pursuits, where – if the conditions are right – one can see almost every species of war-zone and disaster-porn expat gathered in one place, including: | The expat bar is a place to get very, very drunk. It’s also a place for more anthropological pursuits, where – if the conditions are right – one can see almost every species of war-zone and disaster-porn expat gathered in one place, including: |
| Persuade others of your overseas credentials | Persuade others of your overseas credentials |
| Never brag openly about your experience. It’s uncouth. Never start a conversation by saying how long you’ve been in the country. This not only makes you seem insecure, but also leaves you open to embarrassment if your interlocutor has, in fact, been there longer than you have. | Never brag openly about your experience. It’s uncouth. Never start a conversation by saying how long you’ve been in the country. This not only makes you seem insecure, but also leaves you open to embarrassment if your interlocutor has, in fact, been there longer than you have. |
| Even if the person has actually been in the country longer than you have, all is not lost. Ask where they were before, and then casually mention either that a) you were there, but at a worse time, or b) you spent the past few years in a country that was even more dangerous. | Even if the person has actually been in the country longer than you have, all is not lost. Ask where they were before, and then casually mention either that a) you were there, but at a worse time, or b) you spent the past few years in a country that was even more dangerous. |
| Stockpile near death experiences, especially those involving rickety airlines. Instead of listing the number of countries where you’ve lived and worked, it’s far more effective – not to mention socially acceptable – to prove your credentials by casually describing the time you almost crashed on a runway in the Democratic Republic of Congo or in the mountains over Kabul. | Stockpile near death experiences, especially those involving rickety airlines. Instead of listing the number of countries where you’ve lived and worked, it’s far more effective – not to mention socially acceptable – to prove your credentials by casually describing the time you almost crashed on a runway in the Democratic Republic of Congo or in the mountains over Kabul. |
| Dress like a missionary | Dress like a missionary |
| Suddenly, it’s alright to say ciao, even if you aren’t Italian | |
| The problem with travel is that it alters our finely-tuned cultural compass. Suddenly, it’s disrespectful to look older adults in the eye. Suddenly, revealing your elbows is a sign of moral depravity. Suddenly, it’s alright to say ciao, even if you aren’t Italian. | The problem with travel is that it alters our finely-tuned cultural compass. Suddenly, it’s disrespectful to look older adults in the eye. Suddenly, revealing your elbows is a sign of moral depravity. Suddenly, it’s alright to say ciao, even if you aren’t Italian. |
| This is the general advice for navigating different – and at times interesting – cultural waters that won’t have you running to the safety of the expat bubble. | This is the general advice for navigating different – and at times interesting – cultural waters that won’t have you running to the safety of the expat bubble. |
| And never, ever make the a-ok sign – stick to a thumbs up. | And never, ever make the a-ok sign – stick to a thumbs up. |
| This is an edited extract from the book Expat Etiquette – how to look good in bad places | This is an edited extract from the book Expat Etiquette – how to look good in bad places |