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| Hooray! Your husband has cheated on you! Now you’re a better person | Hooray! Your husband has cheated on you! Now you’re a better person |
| (4 months later) | |
| There are many reasons to be grateful that a man cheated on you. Now you can write authentic country songs, for instance, or take solace in the fact that the other woman will have to find space for his prog rock CDs in her one-bed. You might even be grateful to have the bed to yourself, or to be spared another five years of frantically going through his pockets, while a gaslight flickers on the landing and he swears there was no phone reception at the sales conference. | There are many reasons to be grateful that a man cheated on you. Now you can write authentic country songs, for instance, or take solace in the fact that the other woman will have to find space for his prog rock CDs in her one-bed. You might even be grateful to have the bed to yourself, or to be spared another five years of frantically going through his pockets, while a gaslight flickers on the landing and he swears there was no phone reception at the sales conference. |
| What may not have occurred to you as a spurned woman, however, is that he’s made you a better person by betraying your trust. But according to a new study, women who suffer sexual betrayal develop “higher mating intelligence”, as they’re now primed to spot “low mate value” in future partners. Meanwhile, the “other woman” finds herself in a relationship with someone who’s provenly unfaithful, so in the great Darwinian race to the top of the mating tree, she’s already clinging by her scarlet talons to a creaking branch. | What may not have occurred to you as a spurned woman, however, is that he’s made you a better person by betraying your trust. But according to a new study, women who suffer sexual betrayal develop “higher mating intelligence”, as they’re now primed to spot “low mate value” in future partners. Meanwhile, the “other woman” finds herself in a relationship with someone who’s provenly unfaithful, so in the great Darwinian race to the top of the mating tree, she’s already clinging by her scarlet talons to a creaking branch. |
| Nobody sets out assuming that the man they love will cheat | Nobody sets out assuming that the man they love will cheat |
| “Our thesis is that the woman who ‘loses’ her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence,” says study leader Dr Craig Morris, a man. | “Our thesis is that the woman who ‘loses’ her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence,” says study leader Dr Craig Morris, a man. |
| There are several issues with this, however, that might make betrayed women less inclined to shout, “Hurrah! We can all be better people now!” and throw the knickers they found stuffed down the side of the bed in the air. First, psychotherapists everywhere will testify that women who are drawn to those technically known as “cheating scumbags” are often motivated by a subconscious desire to either reiterate their own worthlessness, having had all self-esteem crushed in early life, or to retread a damaging relationship with their cheating father in the hope that this time, he’ll stay. Basically, they’re living Maybe This Time from Cabaret on a never-ending loop (“Maybe this time, I’ll be lucky/Maybe this time, he’ll stay”). There’s also the fact that if one is attracted to charming, rackety Jack-the-lad types, just because one of them cheats on you doesn’t mean your inner “perfect lover” blueprint immediately reverts to Casaubon from Middlemarch. There is no guarantee that your subconscious will nod, “Right, we’ve tried the fun types, let’s seek out someone lost in the dusty, encyclopaedic corridors of his own mind – see how that works out.” | There are several issues with this, however, that might make betrayed women less inclined to shout, “Hurrah! We can all be better people now!” and throw the knickers they found stuffed down the side of the bed in the air. First, psychotherapists everywhere will testify that women who are drawn to those technically known as “cheating scumbags” are often motivated by a subconscious desire to either reiterate their own worthlessness, having had all self-esteem crushed in early life, or to retread a damaging relationship with their cheating father in the hope that this time, he’ll stay. Basically, they’re living Maybe This Time from Cabaret on a never-ending loop (“Maybe this time, I’ll be lucky/Maybe this time, he’ll stay”). There’s also the fact that if one is attracted to charming, rackety Jack-the-lad types, just because one of them cheats on you doesn’t mean your inner “perfect lover” blueprint immediately reverts to Casaubon from Middlemarch. There is no guarantee that your subconscious will nod, “Right, we’ve tried the fun types, let’s seek out someone lost in the dusty, encyclopaedic corridors of his own mind – see how that works out.” |
| Anyway, nobody sets out assuming that the man they love will cheat. Even if he has a reputation that makes Jack Nicholson look like Mary Archer, everyone likes to hope that this time he’ll be different. You can’t predict who will cheat, because mostly they don’t know they’re going to cheat either. Affairs don’t happen because the participants shake hands on the deal as a voice booms: “Commence betrayal!”, they happen as the result of a thousand tiny neglects and resentments, and the human ability to lie blatantly to oneself until it’s too late. (The old Chico Marx line, “I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth” would be funny if it wasn’t such a perfect example of what cheaters are prepared to tell themselves.) | Anyway, nobody sets out assuming that the man they love will cheat. Even if he has a reputation that makes Jack Nicholson look like Mary Archer, everyone likes to hope that this time he’ll be different. You can’t predict who will cheat, because mostly they don’t know they’re going to cheat either. Affairs don’t happen because the participants shake hands on the deal as a voice booms: “Commence betrayal!”, they happen as the result of a thousand tiny neglects and resentments, and the human ability to lie blatantly to oneself until it’s too late. (The old Chico Marx line, “I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth” would be funny if it wasn’t such a perfect example of what cheaters are prepared to tell themselves.) |
| “I never meant it to happen” may be the most hackneyed line in the book, but generally speaking, it’s also true. So the idea that a woman, emerging battered yet resilient from betrayal, can size up her next partner like the lineup of forgotten stars on Never Mind the Buzzcocks and point at the one who won’t cheat is delusional. | “I never meant it to happen” may be the most hackneyed line in the book, but generally speaking, it’s also true. So the idea that a woman, emerging battered yet resilient from betrayal, can size up her next partner like the lineup of forgotten stars on Never Mind the Buzzcocks and point at the one who won’t cheat is delusional. |
| The real issue with this study, however, is not its questionable “you go, girlfriend” Beyoncé-empowerment findings. It’s the fact that they didn’t ask men what it feels like to be betrayed by a partner. Do abandoned men also develop “higher mating intelligence” and find themselves certain that their new partner will be faithful, now they can spot the painted harlots with blackened hearts a mile off? | The real issue with this study, however, is not its questionable “you go, girlfriend” Beyoncé-empowerment findings. It’s the fact that they didn’t ask men what it feels like to be betrayed by a partner. Do abandoned men also develop “higher mating intelligence” and find themselves certain that their new partner will be faithful, now they can spot the painted harlots with blackened hearts a mile off? |
| Are they like Kevin Spacey in The Shipping News, running away to nurse their terrible grief, while women simply brush themselves down and learn from their mistakes? Or are men, too, just as likely as women to fall in love with someone for any number of reasons, without any guarantee that they’ll stay true for ever? I suspect the latter – because no matter what the study found, nobody displays “high mating intelligence” when it comes to falling in love. We just have to cross our fingers and hope for the best – and that includes the mistresses too. | Are they like Kevin Spacey in The Shipping News, running away to nurse their terrible grief, while women simply brush themselves down and learn from their mistakes? Or are men, too, just as likely as women to fall in love with someone for any number of reasons, without any guarantee that they’ll stay true for ever? I suspect the latter – because no matter what the study found, nobody displays “high mating intelligence” when it comes to falling in love. We just have to cross our fingers and hope for the best – and that includes the mistresses too. |
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