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| Bernard Jenkin smells a trade union bill conspiracy Bernard Jenkin smells a trade union bill conspiracy | |
| (3 months later) | |
| Bernard Jenkin glanced to his right. Two Tory MPs were deep in conversation inside the House of Commons. They were definitely talking about him. He could tell. Not only that, but they were also definitely talking about how best to get the EU to do him over. He could tell that, too. Jenkin took a deep breath and assumed the lotus position. It was all very well his therapist telling him he was paranoid; sometimes the bastards really were out to get you. | Bernard Jenkin glanced to his right. Two Tory MPs were deep in conversation inside the House of Commons. They were definitely talking about him. He could tell. Not only that, but they were also definitely talking about how best to get the EU to do him over. He could tell that, too. Jenkin took a deep breath and assumed the lotus position. It was all very well his therapist telling him he was paranoid; sometimes the bastards really were out to get you. |
| Take the concessions the government had made to its trade union bill. Surely they would never have been made unless the trade unions promised to give £1.7m towards the remain campaign? “This stinks,” he said, having been granted an urgent question by the Speaker. “It reeks the same as cash for questions. This shows that this government really is at the rotten heart of the European Union. It, it…” It was a conspiracy on such a scale – bigger even than the Da Vinci Code – he couldn’t even complete his sentence. | Take the concessions the government had made to its trade union bill. Surely they would never have been made unless the trade unions promised to give £1.7m towards the remain campaign? “This stinks,” he said, having been granted an urgent question by the Speaker. “It reeks the same as cash for questions. This shows that this government really is at the rotten heart of the European Union. It, it…” It was a conspiracy on such a scale – bigger even than the Da Vinci Code – he couldn’t even complete his sentence. |
| With business secretary Sajid Javid up before a select committee to explain why he went on holiday when Tata pulled the plug on British Steel, it was left to a junior minister, Nick Boles, to try to talk Jenkin down. “It’s OK, Bernie,” he said. “Everything’s going to be OK. The drugs the Brussels bureaucrats have put in your water are going to wear off soon and the hallucinations will get better. There is no conspiracy. Just a long list of coincidences. Trust me, Bernie. Trust me.” | With business secretary Sajid Javid up before a select committee to explain why he went on holiday when Tata pulled the plug on British Steel, it was left to a junior minister, Nick Boles, to try to talk Jenkin down. “It’s OK, Bernie,” he said. “Everything’s going to be OK. The drugs the Brussels bureaucrats have put in your water are going to wear off soon and the hallucinations will get better. There is no conspiracy. Just a long list of coincidences. Trust me, Bernie. Trust me.” |
| Bernie didn’t look as if he was in the mood to trust anything anyone said and stared sulkily straight ahead. Boles tried to explain himself a little better. It was like this. The government had come up with a trade union bill and the Lords had suggested a few amendments. It was just normal parliamentary ping pong and when you came to go through the party’s election manifesto with a fine legal tooth-comb, as he had that very morning, then the Conservatives had more or less delivered on their commitments. | Bernie didn’t look as if he was in the mood to trust anything anyone said and stared sulkily straight ahead. Boles tried to explain himself a little better. It was like this. The government had come up with a trade union bill and the Lords had suggested a few amendments. It was just normal parliamentary ping pong and when you came to go through the party’s election manifesto with a fine legal tooth-comb, as he had that very morning, then the Conservatives had more or less delivered on their commitments. |
| In fact, when you thought about it the amended trade union bill was beyond everyone’s wildest dreams. Discussions between the government and the trade unions had been extremely wide-ranging and if the unions had now decided to spend some money on urging their members to stay in the EU, then it was just one of those things. | In fact, when you thought about it the amended trade union bill was beyond everyone’s wildest dreams. Discussions between the government and the trade unions had been extremely wide-ranging and if the unions had now decided to spend some money on urging their members to stay in the EU, then it was just one of those things. |
| This wasn’t quite the outright denial that Bernie had been seeking, and other Eurosceptics were keen to press Boles harder. “What election commitments will the government not abandon in order to secure a remain vote in the referendum?” snarked Liam Fox, urged on by Philip Davies, Cheryl Gillan and Philip Hollobone. Boles twitched nervously, caught between the understandable desire not to mislead his colleagues and explaining the facts of ministerial life. | This wasn’t quite the outright denial that Bernie had been seeking, and other Eurosceptics were keen to press Boles harder. “What election commitments will the government not abandon in order to secure a remain vote in the referendum?” snarked Liam Fox, urged on by Philip Davies, Cheryl Gillan and Philip Hollobone. Boles twitched nervously, caught between the understandable desire not to mislead his colleagues and explaining the facts of ministerial life. |
| He tried giving them that special look. The look that said: “Of course governmental policy is up for sale at the the right price. But £1.7m is just loose change and we would never water down a bill for that little. If it was just a question of getting the unions to print a few leaflets, we’d have been been happy to dig into the departmental slush fund; £1.7m wasn’t even significant enough to register as an accounting error. Move along. There’s nothing to see.” | He tried giving them that special look. The look that said: “Of course governmental policy is up for sale at the the right price. But £1.7m is just loose change and we would never water down a bill for that little. If it was just a question of getting the unions to print a few leaflets, we’d have been been happy to dig into the departmental slush fund; £1.7m wasn’t even significant enough to register as an accounting error. Move along. There’s nothing to see.” |
| Bernie still didn’t get it and was still muttering “conspiracy” when John Bercow summoned the paramedics. But Labour’s Dennis Skinner did. “How much does the Tory party want to drop the entire trade union bill?” he asked. Boles paused. He was tempted to come up with a figure but didn’t want to put his foot in it. This was all above his pay grade. He’d get back to him. | Bernie still didn’t get it and was still muttering “conspiracy” when John Bercow summoned the paramedics. But Labour’s Dennis Skinner did. “How much does the Tory party want to drop the entire trade union bill?” he asked. Boles paused. He was tempted to come up with a figure but didn’t want to put his foot in it. This was all above his pay grade. He’d get back to him. |