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| Owen Paterson hunts the Brussels badgers in the smoke of falling empire | Owen Paterson hunts the Brussels badgers in the smoke of falling empire |
| (4 months later) | |
| It had not been the greatest of weekends, what with Barack Obama committing the UK to the back of any queue and Boris Johnson going out of his way to embarrass himself. The leave campaign could do with a lift. Something to give them a reason to believe. | It had not been the greatest of weekends, what with Barack Obama committing the UK to the back of any queue and Boris Johnson going out of his way to embarrass himself. The leave campaign could do with a lift. Something to give them a reason to believe. |
| “The EU will turn us into a colony,” declared Owen Paterson, the former environment minister, to a handful of supporters at the British Academy. “The prime minister will have no more power than a Roman governor.” Cometh the hour, cometh Opaterix the Gaul. | “The EU will turn us into a colony,” declared Owen Paterson, the former environment minister, to a handful of supporters at the British Academy. “The prime minister will have no more power than a Roman governor.” Cometh the hour, cometh Opaterix the Gaul. |
| Basically the problem was this: the Brussels bureaucrats were just like the badgers. No sooner had you got one lined up in your sights than they moved the bloody goalposts. Opaterix may have been defeated by the badgers, but he wasn’t in the mood to let history repeat itself. The EU was a monster that needed to be culled. If not on 23 June, then some time in the future. | Basically the problem was this: the Brussels bureaucrats were just like the badgers. No sooner had you got one lined up in your sights than they moved the bloody goalposts. Opaterix may have been defeated by the badgers, but he wasn’t in the mood to let history repeat itself. The EU was a monster that needed to be culled. If not on 23 June, then some time in the future. |
| He wasn’t quite sure when but that was because of the ongoing moving goalposts issues. But whenever it was, then he and his good friend Iain Dogmatix Smith, who was sat in the front row, were the men to do it. Though it wouldn’t be them that were doing the leaving, because the EU had already left them. Put that one down to Advanced Dialectix. All that was missing was the motto: “To prepare to win, prepare to fail.” | He wasn’t quite sure when but that was because of the ongoing moving goalposts issues. But whenever it was, then he and his good friend Iain Dogmatix Smith, who was sat in the front row, were the men to do it. Though it wouldn’t be them that were doing the leaving, because the EU had already left them. Put that one down to Advanced Dialectix. All that was missing was the motto: “To prepare to win, prepare to fail.” |
| The future was bright, the future was True Blue woad. Far from brokering good trade deals, the EU was actually hellbent on negotiating the worst possible terms for all its members. Nor was there any need to listen to the ramblings of an American president who was on his last legs; Opaterix had spoken to Obama’s rivals – he didn’t name them but he can only have been talking about Donald Trump and Ted Cruz – and they had promised him the US would be delighted to sign any trade agreement the British put in front of them. Somehow that didn’t sound quite as reassuring as it was intended to be. | The future was bright, the future was True Blue woad. Far from brokering good trade deals, the EU was actually hellbent on negotiating the worst possible terms for all its members. Nor was there any need to listen to the ramblings of an American president who was on his last legs; Opaterix had spoken to Obama’s rivals – he didn’t name them but he can only have been talking about Donald Trump and Ted Cruz – and they had promised him the US would be delighted to sign any trade agreement the British put in front of them. Somehow that didn’t sound quite as reassuring as it was intended to be. |
| With British galleys once again assuming control of European waters, Opaterix left the Romans behind and did a 1,600-year time shift. Now we were in the middle of the civil war and Opaterix had become Oliver Cromwell to David Cameron’s King Charles I. The prime minister had become too London-centric, the shires were in revolt and Dave would pay the price. | With British galleys once again assuming control of European waters, Opaterix left the Romans behind and did a 1,600-year time shift. Now we were in the middle of the civil war and Opaterix had become Oliver Cromwell to David Cameron’s King Charles I. The prime minister had become too London-centric, the shires were in revolt and Dave would pay the price. |
| “Does this mean you want to execute him in Whitehall at the earliest opportunity?” someone interrupted, hopefully. “No,” he somewhat unconvincingly replied. The Tory party is locked into a a EU death spiral from which no one may escape. At the same time as Paterson was outlining his vision for a post-Brexit Europe, the home secretary, Theresa May, was outlining her own remain campaign plan to dump the European human rights convention, which just so happened to be rather at odds with the prime minister’s. | “Does this mean you want to execute him in Whitehall at the earliest opportunity?” someone interrupted, hopefully. “No,” he somewhat unconvincingly replied. The Tory party is locked into a a EU death spiral from which no one may escape. At the same time as Paterson was outlining his vision for a post-Brexit Europe, the home secretary, Theresa May, was outlining her own remain campaign plan to dump the European human rights convention, which just so happened to be rather at odds with the prime minister’s. |
| Come 24 June there will be blood spilt; the only question is whose it will be. And whether anyone will be allowed a last cigarette. Having struggled to the end of his speech – he isn’t the most fluent or convincing of talkers – Paterson invited questions. Did anyone have anything to ask him about his devastating macro-political analysis? | Come 24 June there will be blood spilt; the only question is whose it will be. And whether anyone will be allowed a last cigarette. Having struggled to the end of his speech – he isn’t the most fluent or convincing of talkers – Paterson invited questions. Did anyone have anything to ask him about his devastating macro-political analysis? |
| “Er, yes,” an audience member chipped in. “Don’t you think it’s absolutely terrible that the EU has brought in such repressive anti-smoking legislation?” | “Er, yes,” an audience member chipped in. “Don’t you think it’s absolutely terrible that the EU has brought in such repressive anti-smoking legislation?” |
| Paterson did a quick double take. This wasn’t quite what he had in mind. But now he thought about it, it was an outrage. And there we had it. Come the referendum, Dave gets a final smoke. | Paterson did a quick double take. This wasn’t quite what he had in mind. But now he thought about it, it was an outrage. And there we had it. Come the referendum, Dave gets a final smoke. |