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| Cold sexual contempt drives too many men | Cold sexual contempt drives too many men |
| (about 11 hours later) | |
| Sex cases seem never far from the news. But, in part because I’m trying to avoid landing in hot water – thank you dear lawyers – I don’t intend to write about any court cases at all. Instead, if you’ll indulge me, my concern is more about sex in society, more about casual sex, sexual manners, inebriation and sobriety. | Sex cases seem never far from the news. But, in part because I’m trying to avoid landing in hot water – thank you dear lawyers – I don’t intend to write about any court cases at all. Instead, if you’ll indulge me, my concern is more about sex in society, more about casual sex, sexual manners, inebriation and sobriety. |
| It’s also about people who, for whatever reason, give themselves “permission” to treat a sexual partner differently, less respectfully, more degradingly, than they might treat another. And how the people who do this might be genuinely bewildered at being criticised – holding a sincere belief that they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong because, playing by their rules, they feel as if they haven’t. | It’s also about people who, for whatever reason, give themselves “permission” to treat a sexual partner differently, less respectfully, more degradingly, than they might treat another. And how the people who do this might be genuinely bewildered at being criticised – holding a sincere belief that they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong because, playing by their rules, they feel as if they haven’t. |
| It’s a wide story of how an ordinary nightlife – of love, romance, fun, banter, rough and tumble, sometimes wires crossed, hearts broken, lessons learned, egos bruised – can also conceal a culture of cold, premeditated sexual contempt. And how this can be practised in a quite ordinary way by people who would never class themselves as predatory and who would hate to be perceived in that way. | It’s a wide story of how an ordinary nightlife – of love, romance, fun, banter, rough and tumble, sometimes wires crossed, hearts broken, lessons learned, egos bruised – can also conceal a culture of cold, premeditated sexual contempt. And how this can be practised in a quite ordinary way by people who would never class themselves as predatory and who would hate to be perceived in that way. |
| There are variations of this, but when it’s about men doing it to women, it invariably becomes a spin on the age-old madonna/whore divide. Not all men by any means, but those with a particular mind-set who divide women into those they treat respectfully and others. These they don’t need to treat that way, or so they feel, because she’s already demonstrated that “she has no respect for herself”. | There are variations of this, but when it’s about men doing it to women, it invariably becomes a spin on the age-old madonna/whore divide. Not all men by any means, but those with a particular mind-set who divide women into those they treat respectfully and others. These they don’t need to treat that way, or so they feel, because she’s already demonstrated that “she has no respect for herself”. |
| This is where things quickly get complicated, because these encounters are rarely accidents. All too often, these women are selected for that very reason – that they’ve somehow compromised themselves before any sex occurs. They could be incredibly drunk, have taken drugs or both. They could have a reputation for partying or for promiscuity. Or maybe they’re just giving an impression of some or all of the above. Drunk, druggy, slutty, lairy, incoherent, stumbling – anything that says: “I’m not totally in control.” | This is where things quickly get complicated, because these encounters are rarely accidents. All too often, these women are selected for that very reason – that they’ve somehow compromised themselves before any sex occurs. They could be incredibly drunk, have taken drugs or both. They could have a reputation for partying or for promiscuity. Or maybe they’re just giving an impression of some or all of the above. Drunk, druggy, slutty, lairy, incoherent, stumbling – anything that says: “I’m not totally in control.” |
| What distresses me is that these women are not being chosen because the men like them, but because the men don’t like them. What disturbs me is that this seems to be the point where the man gives himself “permission” to do what he wants, as he wouldn’t with a “nice girl”. It’s as if, in their heads, they’re doing casual sex maths: your lack of respect for yourself and my lack of respect for you equals my sense of entitlement. | What distresses me is that these women are not being chosen because the men like them, but because the men don’t like them. What disturbs me is that this seems to be the point where the man gives himself “permission” to do what he wants, as he wouldn’t with a “nice girl”. It’s as if, in their heads, they’re doing casual sex maths: your lack of respect for yourself and my lack of respect for you equals my sense of entitlement. |
| Which is where the issues of consent become yet greyer and murkier. Because it’s not just about the actual point of sexual contact, the “yes” or “no” in the moment, but also about all the other (drunken, slutty, chaotic, contributory) moments in the run-up before. | Which is where the issues of consent become yet greyer and murkier. Because it’s not just about the actual point of sexual contact, the “yes” or “no” in the moment, but also about all the other (drunken, slutty, chaotic, contributory) moments in the run-up before. |
| This perhaps is how one finds men who seem genuinely bewildered to be accused of poor sexual conduct or worse. Men who aren’t trying to “get away with it”, who are convincing because they are convinced they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong – the woman consented and that’s that, right? Well, yes and no. | This perhaps is how one finds men who seem genuinely bewildered to be accused of poor sexual conduct or worse. Men who aren’t trying to “get away with it”, who are convincing because they are convinced they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong – the woman consented and that’s that, right? Well, yes and no. |
| Away from criminality, wouldn’t it be something if, finally, we could drop the disingenuousness? The apparent lack of comprehension about the vital importance of equal levels of sobriety or inebriation in the matter of sexual consent. The fact that sometimes women are targeted, branded “slappers” or some such. That, often, far from any of this being accidental, it’s a nuanced dance of tactics and selection. | Away from criminality, wouldn’t it be something if, finally, we could drop the disingenuousness? The apparent lack of comprehension about the vital importance of equal levels of sobriety or inebriation in the matter of sexual consent. The fact that sometimes women are targeted, branded “slappers” or some such. That, often, far from any of this being accidental, it’s a nuanced dance of tactics and selection. |
| So, on the one hand, there’s sexual assault. On the other, there is perhaps not illegality, but still the sheer vileness, the moral squalor of anyone giving themselves permission to treat other humans like worthless trash, however drunk or silly they may have been acting. And afterwards, turning around and saying: “I didn’t do anything wrong” and believing it. | So, on the one hand, there’s sexual assault. On the other, there is perhaps not illegality, but still the sheer vileness, the moral squalor of anyone giving themselves permission to treat other humans like worthless trash, however drunk or silly they may have been acting. And afterwards, turning around and saying: “I didn’t do anything wrong” and believing it. |
| Making monkeys out of chimps is inhumane | Making monkeys out of chimps is inhumane |
| Goodbye Choppers, 48, the last surviving chimp from the PG Tips television adverts, put down, after showing signs of heart and liver failure. I can’t understand, though, why anyone would feel sentimental about those hideous adverts. Even as a child, I found them unsettling – the chimps always looked stressed as they slurped their tea, chattering their teeth in an “amusing” approximation of human conversation. “Isn’t it clever?” people would say. No, it was creepy as hell. | |
| It’s no surprise that the adverts were stopped because of concerns about animal cruelty. In old-style circuses, or any acts that involve live creatures, even taking cruelty and punishment out of the equation (which you can’t), getting animals to perform takes arduous training. The thought of animals enjoying the process is absurd, unless right now there are chimpanzees deep in a tropical rainforest having a lark pretending to have a cup of tea or push a piano up the stairs. | It’s no surprise that the adverts were stopped because of concerns about animal cruelty. In old-style circuses, or any acts that involve live creatures, even taking cruelty and punishment out of the equation (which you can’t), getting animals to perform takes arduous training. The thought of animals enjoying the process is absurd, unless right now there are chimpanzees deep in a tropical rainforest having a lark pretending to have a cup of tea or push a piano up the stairs. |
| RIP, Choppers, but there’s no place for cultural revisionism here – those adverts were shameful, disturbing telly relics that don’t deserve to be mourned. | RIP, Choppers, but there’s no place for cultural revisionism here – those adverts were shameful, disturbing telly relics that don’t deserve to be mourned. |
| We should listen to Holmes’ truths | We should listen to Holmes’ truths |
| Kelly Holmes has spoken about drug cheats and how she lost out to them at the Olympics and other major championships. She says it was suspicious when someone, previously not on peak form, would suddenly begin winning (Holmes is thought to be referring to Regina Jacobs, who beat her to the gold medal in the 2003 world indoor championships, but was banned shortly afterwards). Holmes also spoke about drug cheats (such as Tatyana Tomashova) she still managed to beat, but said: “I have missed out. All the bronzes and silvers. I know some of the people above me cheated. I could have got more golds. Definitely”. | Kelly Holmes has spoken about drug cheats and how she lost out to them at the Olympics and other major championships. She says it was suspicious when someone, previously not on peak form, would suddenly begin winning (Holmes is thought to be referring to Regina Jacobs, who beat her to the gold medal in the 2003 world indoor championships, but was banned shortly afterwards). Holmes also spoke about drug cheats (such as Tatyana Tomashova) she still managed to beat, but said: “I have missed out. All the bronzes and silvers. I know some of the people above me cheated. I could have got more golds. Definitely”. |
| This could sound like sour grapes, but it doesn’t. Had other athletes been clean, it doesn’t automatically follow that Holmes would have won on the day, but you can understand her frustration. | This could sound like sour grapes, but it doesn’t. Had other athletes been clean, it doesn’t automatically follow that Holmes would have won on the day, but you can understand her frustration. |
| Quite apart from all the ethical issues surrounding cheating, how galling and infuriating it must be not to cheat and to see all your chances stolen by people who do. | Quite apart from all the ethical issues surrounding cheating, how galling and infuriating it must be not to cheat and to see all your chances stolen by people who do. |
| Sometimes, you feel a sort of new leniency surrounding individuals such as disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong, the rationale being that, as nearly every other cyclist was doping, how could he avoid it? It’s a valid point, but since when was any sport geared to cheats? Surely, indulging and excusing dope cheats is as farcical as adjusting football rules to accommodate players who throw themselves down in the penalty area? | Sometimes, you feel a sort of new leniency surrounding individuals such as disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong, the rationale being that, as nearly every other cyclist was doping, how could he avoid it? It’s a valid point, but since when was any sport geared to cheats? Surely, indulging and excusing dope cheats is as farcical as adjusting football rules to accommodate players who throw themselves down in the penalty area? |
| The time period during which any athlete has a shot at being at the top is usually cruelly short, so it must be devastating to be cheated out of it. What Holmes said brings home that doping not only casts the careers and accomplishments of cheats in doubt, it also plunges non-cheats into a similar fog of what if? | The time period during which any athlete has a shot at being at the top is usually cruelly short, so it must be devastating to be cheated out of it. What Holmes said brings home that doping not only casts the careers and accomplishments of cheats in doubt, it also plunges non-cheats into a similar fog of what if? |
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