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| Sell my flat, meet my ex? I get by with a little emailing from my friends | Sell my flat, meet my ex? I get by with a little emailing from my friends |
| (7 months later) | |
| When it comes to “life choices”, I’m not the best. My friends will confirm this. They’re particularly well-placed to do so, because over the past few years I’ve put the big decisions I’ve needed to make to them by email, on at least three occasions. | When it comes to “life choices”, I’m not the best. My friends will confirm this. They’re particularly well-placed to do so, because over the past few years I’ve put the big decisions I’ve needed to make to them by email, on at least three occasions. |
| I’m not talking “which restaurant should I go to near Kings X?”. To seek that type of advice online is routine. I’m referring to those “which road to take?” dilemmas that will bring more personal, greater loss and gain. | I’m not talking “which restaurant should I go to near Kings X?”. To seek that type of advice online is routine. I’m referring to those “which road to take?” dilemmas that will bring more personal, greater loss and gain. |
| A few years back I was considering taking six months out to travel. As with most changes of direction, there was a risk to it. Some of the time I felt, in my gut, that it was the right step. But the feeling didn’t last long enough for me to lean on it. The potential, irreversible drawbacks were never far behind. I needed to be persuaded or to persuade myself either way. | A few years back I was considering taking six months out to travel. As with most changes of direction, there was a risk to it. Some of the time I felt, in my gut, that it was the right step. But the feeling didn’t last long enough for me to lean on it. The potential, irreversible drawbacks were never far behind. I needed to be persuaded or to persuade myself either way. |
| I emailed a close friend, presenting my plan to her. She was immediately enthusiastic, and replied setting out the numerous possibilities of the “open road”: I wasn’t supporting a family, and if not now then when was I going to have another chance like this and get as much from it. The world awaited, she assured me; and the answer was to do it. Something about her boundless support for it unleashed my internal arguments against the plan. I needed to hear another view. | I emailed a close friend, presenting my plan to her. She was immediately enthusiastic, and replied setting out the numerous possibilities of the “open road”: I wasn’t supporting a family, and if not now then when was I going to have another chance like this and get as much from it. The world awaited, she assured me; and the answer was to do it. Something about her boundless support for it unleashed my internal arguments against the plan. I needed to hear another view. |
| The combined input enables cherry-picking and a degree of abdication of responsibility | The combined input enables cherry-picking and a degree of abdication of responsibility |
| I bashed out a message to a colleague whose response stressed the loss of job security, structure, and the danger that I thought stepping out to be a cure-all; she brought the “then what?” angle. It wasn’t that I hadn’t arrived at these considerations myself, but having them spelled out gave me a ready-made argument to present back to the “open road” advocate. More views from others followed. One advising, if in doubt wait; another, that without stepping off the edge nothing happens. I wasn’t proud of it, but I’d made my future a debate, which suggested there was at least no wrong answer. | I bashed out a message to a colleague whose response stressed the loss of job security, structure, and the danger that I thought stepping out to be a cure-all; she brought the “then what?” angle. It wasn’t that I hadn’t arrived at these considerations myself, but having them spelled out gave me a ready-made argument to present back to the “open road” advocate. More views from others followed. One advising, if in doubt wait; another, that without stepping off the edge nothing happens. I wasn’t proud of it, but I’d made my future a debate, which suggested there was at least no wrong answer. |
| The next decision was different but to me just as important. I outsourced the question of moving from my much-loved but entirely impractical flat to another I’d seen, which would improve my day-to-day life on a number of levels. Here, photos could be part of the exchanges in which I argued for and against myself. I knew who loved where I lived and who would feel it a mistake. | The next decision was different but to me just as important. I outsourced the question of moving from my much-loved but entirely impractical flat to another I’d seen, which would improve my day-to-day life on a number of levels. Here, photos could be part of the exchanges in which I argued for and against myself. I knew who loved where I lived and who would feel it a mistake. |
| The third debate was with fewer friends. It was my way to decide whether to meet up with a much-missed ex who had reappeared in my life a decade after we had gone our separate ways. I’d thought often of what might have been, but our circumstances had changed, and there were many reasons not to meet him, now that those scenarios were no longer possible. I think I needed some emotional robustness on screen, whatever I chose. | The third debate was with fewer friends. It was my way to decide whether to meet up with a much-missed ex who had reappeared in my life a decade after we had gone our separate ways. I’d thought often of what might have been, but our circumstances had changed, and there were many reasons not to meet him, now that those scenarios were no longer possible. I think I needed some emotional robustness on screen, whatever I chose. |
| I didn’t take the six months; I met the ex; and I kept my flat. Perhaps something in the discussion, on each occasion, allowed me to know what I would do. | I didn’t take the six months; I met the ex; and I kept my flat. Perhaps something in the discussion, on each occasion, allowed me to know what I would do. |
| To seek the input of others is not new. But in another era it might have involved a phone call or the slower exchange of letters. Now the ready speed of email seems to have changed the mechanism. We can elicit multiple viewpoints at once, stacking them up for reference. And we can provide and reintroduce them. With humour and with patience my friends are pretty much all on the other side of my screen. There for the asking, as I am for them. And I revisit their words, often. | To seek the input of others is not new. But in another era it might have involved a phone call or the slower exchange of letters. Now the ready speed of email seems to have changed the mechanism. We can elicit multiple viewpoints at once, stacking them up for reference. And we can provide and reintroduce them. With humour and with patience my friends are pretty much all on the other side of my screen. There for the asking, as I am for them. And I revisit their words, often. |
| All this, of course, can extend to consulting strangers. One has only to think of forums such as Mumsnet to see how our internal dialogues can be reflected in external debate. | All this, of course, can extend to consulting strangers. One has only to think of forums such as Mumsnet to see how our internal dialogues can be reflected in external debate. |
| Does it help or hinder? Undoubtedly, there’s a point beyond which you know you’ve gathered too much information. The combined input, though, enables cherry-picking and a degree of abdication of responsibility, which can take some of the stress out of things. Perhaps some of its value can be unforeseen, like the idea for this piece, which came from a friend involved in one such discussion. And I may just be a very bad decision-maker, but I have not felt alone. | Does it help or hinder? Undoubtedly, there’s a point beyond which you know you’ve gathered too much information. The combined input, though, enables cherry-picking and a degree of abdication of responsibility, which can take some of the stress out of things. Perhaps some of its value can be unforeseen, like the idea for this piece, which came from a friend involved in one such discussion. And I may just be a very bad decision-maker, but I have not felt alone. |
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